The Errant Cluster

Skyward Sword

2012-01-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, the best part of the Skyward Sword was the staff credits.

The video is completely spoiler free, just awesome music.

I especially love how the main theme is Zelda's lullaby reversed.

It's too bad that besides the main theme, the in-game music is pretty dull.

Totoro For Every Season

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

Totoro for Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter.

Spring is a flower field, it would be nice to find something more obvious.

Summer is a sand sculpture, not too many cool Totoro Sand Sculptures out there.

Fall is a Halloween Pumpkin, there are lots of those.

Winter is a Totoro Snowmen, there are lots of cool ones.

A Big Giant Totoro

2012-01-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

The Scariest Japanese File Ever

2012-01-31T03:07:00.000-08:00

Seriously, this movie looks terrifying based on the cover art.

Not at all like a Robin Williams cross-dressing comedy.

Mrs. Doubtfire, catering to a whole different audience in Japan.

Ah! My Goddess...

2012-01-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

Throughout the years...

A compilation of Belldandy, one portrait from each Volume.

Mr. Fujishima's art has changed a lot, hasn't it?

Especially between 8 and 9. I like 10 the best.

I think the characters are too round now.

Gremlin World

2012-01-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Gremlin World is my friend's webcomic. Not only as his friend, but as a manga reader, I suggest you give it a try. It's an action comedy in the vein of Excel Saga. Here's the summary blurb:

Do you know Gremlin World? What?! No?! Grr... Well I'll spell it out for you then: It's a crazy adventure full of fighting, random comedy, cute girls, hot dudes, honeyed espionage, a bunny-eared chick, and screaming eye lasers! And believe me, there's much, much more! Crazy Potatoes! Can Dr. Pinhead's creation ever become the monster she was meant to be?!

Read Gremlin World Here!

Peaceful Afternoon

2012-01-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

Pokemon As People

2012-01-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

Awesome Set: If Pokemon Were People

Alternate Fullsize Layout

Doug Trio!

Cheering For Legend Of Zelda

2012-01-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

All from Ocarina of Time. I just finished Skyward Sword... thought

it was too slow and linear to be a great game. I still favor the 2D Zeldas.

Rockman: The Heavy Metal

2012-01-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

Pretty awesome imagining of Megaman characters into a traditional 2d fighting game format. Art is by Kei-Suwabe. His Pixiv link is here. He makes awesome stuff.

Greatest Weakness

2012-01-13T15:37:00.000-08:00

Took these from some Reddit thread.

What's the best answer you've ever given in a job interview to the question: "What is your biggest weakness?"

A few years ago I was applying to work for a middleschool in PA and had this conversation:
Q: "What's your greatest weakness?"
A: "I'm just a little bit too attracted to teenage girls."
Q" ..."
A: "Just kidding! It's actually that I don't know when a joke is inappropriate."

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is distinguishing between fact and fiction, reality and fantasy.
Interviewer: And your biggest strength?
Me: I'm Batman.

My friends tell me I am condescending. Condescending is when you talk down to people.

"Cookie dough ice cream."

"I'd say my biggest weakness is that I work too hard. Also, I steal staplers....... hey, is that a Swingline?"

One applicant once told me, with a straight face, that his biggest weakness was upper body strength, but he'd been going to the gym, so that should qualify him..."

Bullets. Definitely gonna have to go with bullets on this one, Bob.
BULLETS! My only weakness...

That I am unemployed.

"Singing, definitely singing, but I promise if I work here I won't sing, so it's all good."

"Stairs." People don't know if it's okay to laugh at cripple jokes from a cripple, it's hilarious.

When asked that question by my third interviewer, I took a deep sigh and said "Well I'm addicted to heroin, and some employers have a hard time understanding that work will always take a back seat to that."

Print a business card that says "Sometimes my overpreparedness comes across as arrogance." Hand it to the interviewer when asked.

Asaekkiga

2012-01-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

I find this guy's comics really fun. See more over at asaekkiga

The Life Ending Adventure

2012-01-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

One of those ridiculously cheaply difficult flash games. It's a fun way to spend an hour or so, unless you easily get frustrated.

http://flashgameblaze.com/games/views/27/The-Life-Ending-Adventure.html

Satsui no Hadou Shirizu

2012-01-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

I can't really claim to know exactly what or why this is, but it looks like an imagining of random Japanese pop culture icons into Street Fighter 4 styled video game portraits. The art is by Kei-Suwabe (who also has a pixiv page) of Metajan Requiem, I just organized all the illustrations into an easy to browse format. I think this is his coolest work (although his other art is good too), I'd definitely play the game. See how many characters you recognize!

Kyonko Ponycopter

2012-01-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Random Reddit Stories

2012-01-10T23:41:00.000-08:00

Random Reddit:

One time, I was in a McDonalds, and the woman in front of me was (presumably) ordering for her family, although she was alone.

Woman: "I'll have 4 big macs, 2 large fries, and an 4 chocolate shakes"
Employee: "Is that for here or to go?"
Woman: (rudely) "Does it look like I'm going to eat this all here?"
Employee: "BITCH, I dont know your life!!"
More funny than rude, but still.

Random Reddit:

Post 1: I learned what marital status was when I about 18. For some reason I always read it as martial status, as in martial arts. I took karate when I was younger so on my first few job applications I wrote "yellow belt" instead of single.

Post 2: This is the best. I'm just imagining the people reading those applications. "Wtf … ?"

Kendell Sharecropping Experience:

[0:00] Here is the most racist field trip I have ever been on in my entire fucking life.
[0:03] They took us to a fuckin' cotton processing place, and there was a big-ass cotton field out in the middle of fuckin' raymond alabama, in the south of montgomery county.
[0:13] We went there, and me, and 28 other little niglets in Miss Harper's third-grade classroom, they took our asses out there, in the middle of the fuckin' august heat, and said "Hey, y'all ..."
[0:22] They gave us bags and shit, had little cute little plastic bags, with a cute - with a cotton puff person with a smile on his face, and they were like "Hey, y'all go out there, have fun, pick as much cotton as you want".
[0:35] And so my stupid ass went, you know, I went, my Mama signed off on it and and didn't think about it, and I went to the fuckin' field trip. I was in the fields just havin' a good ol' time.
[0:45] We were singin' songs and shit, out in the middle of the motherfuckin' field, picking goddamn cotton, in the middle of the fuckin' heat, and here I'm thinking: because it's a field trip, they told us you can pick as much as you want, hey, you get to keep the fuckin' cotton. You can keep it.
[1:00] So I was like "Yeah, I'm gonna keep it" and we go to get back on the bus and they're like "Okay kids, turn your bags in", and they take our asses inside, and took all the damn cotton that we had, and then told us to get back on the fuckin' bus.
[1:12] So me, being a little rebel, I took a little handful of cotton, stuffed it in my pocket, and went home.
[1:17] Then, my Mama came, and when she was doin' laundry the next night, she was like "what the fuck, is this cotton in your back pocket?" - I was like "Yeah" - "Where the hell did you get unprocessed cotton from?" - "Well, yesterday on that field trip they took us to a cotton processing plant and we got to pick cotton all day long."
[1:39] My Mama came to the school and - I swear to god - that shit went down. She locked this woman in a room, like "How dare you jive-ass motherfuckers take my kid and all these other ashy li'l negroes to a fuckin' cotton field in the middle of the summer. You fuckin' soulless bitch."
[2:00] She fuckin' checked me outta school, I didn't go to school for three days behind that shit. She said "I don't want to have to look at that bitch". She was pissed at everybody.
[2:10] Yes. That was the most racist shit I have ever gone through in my life. I didn't even understand what was wrong until the next year. I didn't even understand.
[2:18] I just thought we were gonna go have some fun, in the field. So fuck that shit. That was fuckin' sharecropping if I've ever seen it. Shit.

Random Reddit:

On a train, I overheard a homeless guy talking to his bicycle like it was a horse. He said, "Be good, or I won't give you a carrot when we get home."

Strawhats Vs. Fake Strawhats

2012-01-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

I know the top Strawhat crew portraits were drawn by Nankano (see awesome making of videos over here), but I'm not sure who drew the Fake Strawhats.

Koma Koma

2012-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

* This is a collection of colored Shonen Jump manga panels. It came from the Japan-only game Jump Ultimate Stars, which was great if you're a Jump fan.

Creation Myth

2011-10-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

I decided to start posting my random fiction. They'll be labelled under "My Stories." I hope you enjoy them.

There were two great gods, Heles and Alial. These stars hated each other. Even though the sky is endless, these two stars could never get far enough away from each other to be happy. Heles gave in first.

Heles dashed towards Alial with all his might. If Alial was dead, Heles could finally have some peace. They grappled for eons, throwing chunks of each other across the sky, until they crashed onto the world, in the far, far east.

In those days, there was only water in the world. Water and fish. Heles and Alial crashed in the Westmost sea, but their fighting did not stop. Annoyed at the disturbance, the fish pushed them to the surface, where the two gods continued their battle.

They fought each other across the surface of the sea, tearing each other to pieces across the way. Each discarded piece of their bodies became an island of our world. Each blow they landed added land above the sea.

Heles and Alial were shells of their former selves by the time they reached the Eastmost Sea. Heles only had his head, neck, and left arm remaining. Alial had most of his frame left, but had lost the entirety of his head and left leg during the fight. Heles, who still had his head, paused to think. They had reached the end of the world and Heles had some trepidation about falling off. The thoughtful moment was all it took to end the fight. Alial, who had lost his head much earlier, was fighting only by instinct. When Heles paused, Alial unleashed its fiercest attack of all, directly towards Heles's head. The blow was so mighty, Heles head flew all the way to the west most end of the world.

Exhausted, Alial collapsed and laid to rest eternally in peace. Its body became the impassable Eastern mountain range. Alial's neck and arm became the Satryos islands.

But neither Alial nor Heles were killed. Heles's head awoke in the west and is still trying to come to the east to kill Alial's resting body. This is why the monsters come from the West, seeking only destruction.

Tumblr

2011-09-21T23:30:00.001-07:00

So, I set up an image blog at Tumblr. It's really easy to post images there, so I've been posting a ton of stuff there. Mostly anime related stuff, but also some math jokes, funny stuff, and animated gifs. Check it out!

Decompressing Archive Files

2011-09-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been decompressing archive files recently. It's a lot of fun; it makes me feel like a detective. I started after I read this blog post (http://briancarper.net/blog/475/) about extracting resources from a Final Fantasy PSP game. I had wanted to do this sort of thing when I was in high school, but I didn't even know where to start. I wondered how I'd fare now after years working as a programmer.

I followed that blog's links for a while and came across this useful guide (http://www.xentax.com/downloads/multiex/Definitive_Guide_To_Exploring_File_Formats_MW_2004.pdf) and this great forum (http://forum.xentax.com/). After reading the guide and following the Quake example, I felt I was ready to try an archive on my own. It really wasn't very hard, just time consuming. I found it was generally true for all the different archives I ended up working on.

Decompressing an archive is reverse engineering how the data is compressed, so most of the challenge is in detecting patterns and guessing at data structure... which is pretty fun. Things go better with good tools and more experience, but there's always a lot of trial and error. Success can rely heavily on luck. Sometimes the archives can just be too confusing or sometimes the encryption is too hard to reverse. I haven't come across too many "impossible" examples, but I haven't done too many archives either.

I decided to document (with some side comments in orange/brown) how I solved my first solo archive to hopefully help people who are just starting out themselves. This isn't the best or most efficient way of doing it (in fact, it may not even be completely correct), but it should be a good starting point to understand how it can be done. I did this on a Windows XP machine over a (long) evening.

I chose the game Half Minute Hero, which is a sprite based PSP game. It's a great great game, so I suggest you buy a copy. You can get it on XBox Live too. It's one of my favorite games, although that's probably due to my increasing ADD tendencies. It's a mashup of a puzzle game and JRPG, as well as a sort of a deconstruction and parody of NES/SNES JRPGs.

My goal was to rip the sprites from the PSP version of Half Minute Hero. This is how I did it.

I started off by obtaining an image of the game. (If you can't rip one yourself, you can probably easily find one online. If you get a CSO, find a tool to decompress it to an ISO. You can mount the ISO just as you would any image: You can burn it to a CD or use Virtual Drive Software, such as Daemon Tools Lite.)

I mounted the ISO using Daemon Tools and looked through the contents via the Windows file explorer. I found Half Minute Hero contains all its High Res Images and Music in obvious files (Music is in the AT3 format, which can be converted to MP3 using this tool), but the sprite resources weren't out in the open. I used a hex editor to look for image data in the files with extensions I didn't recognize. I quickly found filenames with BMP extensions in the RESARC.JRZ file.

(The archive file that contains the sprite resources is RESARC.JRZ. You can download it here if you'd like to play along: RESARC.JRZ. You can't do much else with it besides extract files.)

Next, I opened up RESARC.JRZ in Hex Workshop and looked around for clues that would help me figure out how to decompress the data. (When I work on an archive, the first thing I do is run a google search on the first few bytes, which often identifies the file format. Sometimes the file format has already been solved and I can just download a script to decompress it. If I can't identify the file format or find an existing decompressor, the next thing I do is look at the bytes that could be ASCII characters. If there are bytes that are obviously filenames, I play around with the bytes preceding and following the filename bytes, looking for bytes that might be file offsets.) After looking/playing around for a while, I determined the parts of the file structure I cared about.

This is what I found: The RESARC.JRZ archive is split up into a list of all the files followed by the compressed file data itself. The file list starts at offset 0x006D. Each file location has a 28 byte header, followed by a variable length ascii file name, followed by 00. The header structure seemed to be:

2 Bytes unknown
2 Bytes for the number of bytes in the file name
4 bytes unknown
4 bytes unknown
4 bytes for the file size
4 bytes for the extracted file size
4 bytes unknown
4 bytes for the file offset

As a sample, here are the last two listed files in the file list section:

- PARTY01.BMP (Starting at offset 0xE42F) -
00 00
0C 00 (Number of Bytes for the Filename)
00 00 00 00
00 00 00 00
92 0A 00 00 (File Size A)
36 04 01 00 (Extracted File Size A)
00 00 00 00
A9 B1 3B 00 (File Offset A)
50 41 52 54 59 30 31 2E 42 4D 50 00 (File Name + 00)

- PARTY01_HIT.BMP (Starting at offset 0xE455) -
00 00
10 00 (Number of Bytes for the Filename)
00 00 00 00
00 00 00 00
DF 08 00 00 (File Size B)
36 04 01 00 (Extracted File Size B)
00 00 00 00
3B BC 3B 00 (File Offset B)
50 41 52 54 59 30 31 5F 48 49 54 2E 42 4D 50 00 (File Name + 00)

Doing the math, 0x3BB1A9 (File Offset A) + 0x0A92 (File Size A) = 0x3BBC3B (File Offset B), so my analysis seemed like it could be correct.

(I should make this note here. You'll often come across little endian (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endianness) addressing, which usually means the least significant byte in a multi-byte value is "first", stored at the lowest address. This is the case for this archive. For example, the hex value of the bytes for File Offset A is [A9 B1 3B 00], but the value of File Offset A, a long, is actually 0x003BB1A9. It's pretty obvious that this is the case when you look at addresses 0xA9B13B00 (which is out of range for this file) vs. 0x003BB1A9.)

Now that I knew how to find the location of the file data, the next step was to recreate the files. To do that, I tried to correctly decompress one of the listed BMP files.

I copied the contents of byte location 0x3BB1A9 through 0x3BBC3B to a new file named PARTY01.BMP. It didn't open as a BMP. I noticed the data started with [08 00 00 00] instead of the expected [42 4D] (all BMP files should start with those two bytes, which is ASCII for "BM"), so first I simply tried adding a BMP header. The file still didn't open. Because it didn't work, it either meant I created the file incorrectly, added the header incorrectly, or the file was compressed/encrypted. I decided to assume the file was compressed and work from there.

I noticed all the BMP files I'd tried to extract so far started with [08 00 00 00]. Reading more bytes in each file, I noticed all the files contained the hex bytes [78 DA] at location 0xC. After some googling, I found out that those bytes usually indicated the start of a zlib compressed stream.

After some more googling I found aluigi's offzip tool, which unpacks the zip (zlib/gzip/deflate) data contained in any type of file. I tested it out on PARTY01.BMP. The offzip program requires an offset. The [78 DA] bytes that identified the zipped file started at 0xC, so I used that. I executed the command [offzip "input/PARTY01.BMP" "output/PARTY01.BMP" 0xC] and checked the resulting file. I successfully opened it up in MS Paint as a BMP, but it had a bunch of garbage at the top. Still, it opened as a recognizable BMP and I figured this was good enough; maybe that was just how the game chose to represent BMPs.

At this point I wrote a script to decompress all the archive files contained by RESARC.JRZ. I used aluigi's QuickBMS. The syntax was simple enough. 'get DUMMY short' pulls the next two bytes into a variable named DUMMY, whereas 'get DUMMY long' pulls the next four bytes into a variable named DUMMY. The BMS script is run via a program called quickbms. When executed, it asks for the archive, the BMS script, and the output directory. This is the BMS script:

view plain copy to clipboard print ?

GoTo 0x6D # Jump to file locations section
for i = 0 < 15000
get DUMMY short
get FILENAMELENGTH short
get DUMMY long
get DUMMY long
get FILESIZE long
get DUMMY long
get DUMMY long
get OFFSET long
getdstring NAME FILENAMELENGTH
log NAME OFFSET FILESIZE # This creates the file in the directory you specified.
next i

GoTo 0x6D  # Jump to file locations sectionfor i = 0 &lt; 15000 get DUMMY short get FILENAMELENGTH short get DUMMY long get DUMMY long get FILESIZE long get DUMMY long get DUMMY long get OFFSET long getdstring NAME FILENAMELENGTH log NAME OFFSET FILESIZE   # This creates the file in the directory you specified.next i

The script worked and I had all the compressed files. Then I wrote a batch script to call offzip on all the compressed files:

view plain copy to clipboard print ?

cd "C:\Extract\HMH"
for %%i in (input/*.pck) do offzip "input/%%i" "output/%%i" 0xC

cd "C:\Extract\HMH"for %%i in (input/*.pck) do offzip "input/%%i" "output/%%i" 0xC

After running that, I found that many compressed BMP files failed to decompress into viewable images. So I pored over the files in Hex Workshop again. This time I noticed not all the files began with [08 00 00 00], that [78 DA] wasn't always at offset 0xC, and that [78 DA] sometimes appeared several times throughout the file. I also looked more closely at the offzip options, noticing its options (-a) for multiple sets of zip data. It clicked for me that there were multiple sets of zip data in the compressed files. (It wasn't immediately obvious because I hadn't dealt with much file compression before.)

So, as a test, I executed the command [offzip -a "input/3_300LOGO.BMP" "output/3_300LOGO.BMP" 0]. It generated multiple .dat files. I merged all the .dat files the command produced (by simpley copying and pasting all the files into one file) and, sure enough, I had a valid BMP file.

So I rewrote my batch file. (Instead of using a batch script, I could have continued using BMS, but I still wasn't that familiar with it.) For each compressed file, I would run the 'offzip -a' command to generate .dat files. Then I would concatenate all the .dat files into one file. Then I would delete all the .dat files:

After running that, I finally realized that there was a problem with decompressing the files because I noticed some BMP files didn't have the garbled tops. Since I now knew that there were multiple sets of zip data in the files and, due to how the BMP format worked, a garbled top of a BMP probably meant there was missing information at the end of a file, it was obvious that I was somehow skipping the last archive.

Poring over the offzip options again, I eventually decided to try to use the -m command, which specifies the size of the zip block. Using -m 16 found one more zip data set than -m 32. I updated my script and ran it again. There were a lot more valid BMP files, but some files, such as CARAVAN.BMP, were still not right. After some more manual trial and error testing, I found that I needed -m 8.

I created my final batch script:

view plain copy to clipboard print ?

cd "C:\Extract\HMH"
for %%F in (input/*.*) do call :offzip %%F
goto :eof
:offzip
set FILEVAR=%1
offzip -a -m 8 "input/%FILEVAR%" "output" 0
cd output
echo 2>%FILEVAR%
for %%F in (*.dat) do copy /b %FILEVAR%+%%F %FILEVAR%
del *.dat
cd ..
:eof

for %%F in (input/*.*) do call :offzip %%Fgoto :eof:offzipset FILEVAR=%1offzip -a -m 8 "input/%FILEVAR%" "output" 0cd outputecho 2&gt;%FILEVAR%for %%F in (*.dat) do copy /b %FILEVAR%+%%F %FILEVAR%del *.datcd ..:eof

(By the way, if you're using Windows 7, you need to run this script with Administrator privileges. If not, the copy command will fail and the output won't be written. For more information, read this blog post.)

And everything came out right. Exciting! I browsed through some of the other data, reading the strings and such. Everything looked as expected now. So the steps I took were:

1. Get the Half Minute Hero ISO, mount it, and find the RESARC.JRZ archive.
2. Run the BMS script on the RESARC.JRZ archive to get all the zlib compressed files.
3. Run the Batch Script on the directory all the compressed files are stored in.

Once again, you can download all the files you need to do this from this link.

(And once again, disclaimer, I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm just trying what makes sense and it's seemed to work so far.)

After getting this far, there's lots more that can be done than getting a bunch of images. You can hunt for data, like game text scripts. Game mods can be made by editing the decompressed files and then repackaging the archive. Converters can be created to change program specific audio and visual files to more standard formats. Those things are outside of the scope this blog entry will cover though, and really outside of what I've personally tried. But if you've made it this far, you're probably ready to do stuff with the data you've extracted. If so, Good Luck!

(As a side note, the Japanese version of Half Minute Hero 2 has been released, so if you want a simple archive to decompress, you can find the ISO and try it to get the images. The file structure is really similar to Half Minute Hero, so it's a good archive to start off with.)

Dark Inspector Gadget

2011-09-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

*by rubendevela

Half Minute Hero Review

2011-09-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

* The previous owner of this blog wrote up this review and wanted it posted up. I've also played the game and think it's great.

Half Minute Hero is an awesome game and you should buy it. At the very least, you should watch some video gameplay or try the demo. This game is an innovative mashup of different genres (primarily JRPG and puzzle) and I think it's very, very entertaining. If you enjoyed the PSP original, ever enjoyed JRPGs in your life, like to play puzzle games, or like quirky/innovative games... you should just stop reading and buy the game. If you're on the fence, I'll do my best to describe to you what this game is and what this game is not. I'm going to write a lot, but it's necessary to give a good picture of this game.

(If you've played the PSP version before, skip to the end of the review for a list of changes made.)

As you can tell, I'm a huge fan of this game. I enjoyed it a lot on the PSP and I enjoy it even more on the xbox. I'm going to be very enthusiastic in this review since I don't think many people even know the game exists and it can use all the hype it can get. But I seriously encourage you to at least try the demo, it's such a interesting concept that I think most gamers should at least experience it.

I can't guarantee you'll like it. But who definitely won't like Half Minute Hero? People who loathe solving puzzles, the JRPG concept, quirky games, or non turnbased games. People who like the genres they're already playing and don't want to try something new. People who buy it expecting it to be a traditional JRPG. People who hate quirky games or who need top of the line graphics and voice acting to enjoy a game. People who need to spend more than 60 hours on a 10 dollar game just to get all the achievements.

By the way, this game does not take 30 seconds to beat. It's not a 60 hour game either, but there isn't any fat... no grinding hours for items or toiling on mindless tasks.

- Gameplay -

The gameplay is a JRPG stripped down to its barest elements. It is not a traditional JRPG, although it uses the JRPG elements. The game is composed of several stages that could be mini-JRPGs in their own right (complete with title screen and credits.) You start off each stage at Level 1, although you can use any of the equipment you've found in previous stages. You get into random battles to kill monsters to get money and level up, buy equipment at villages, read through walls of dialogue, complete quests to progress the story, complete optional side quests to gain allies or special items, then ultimately defeat the Evil Lord threatening to destroy the world. The twist is that you have a 30 second timer to do all this and once that timer hits 0, it's game over. But you can pay an ever increasing sum to reset the timer to 30 seconds at any village. You can also dash around to move faster and avoid random battles, but while dashing, your HP is consumed.

Battles are also stripped down to their barest elements and made to go as fast as possible. Battles are viewed from the side where you and your opponents simply run at each other. You clash, damage is dealt based on your respective stats, and you repeat until one of you is dead. You can choose to dash, which eats more of your life but makes the battle go faster, or use a healing item, which can be expensive and you need money to reset the timer, or run away if you don't think you'll win. Battles are still strategic... you have to decide when you can take an enemy and you can equip items that can cause the battle to be a lot easier (such as equipping a Silver weapon that can One Hit Kill demon enemies.) They're still exciting, especially late in the game when you might finish battles with milliseconds to spare, then need to rush to the nearest village to reset your time.

The game parodies the JRPG genre and the different stages address the many tropes of JRPGs. Some stages focus around you needing to collect special equipment to defeat the big baddie, others have you do fetch quests, another has you chase your rival around, while others send you hunting for special monsters. There are 72 different stages and they're all really creative. As the game goes on, some new gimmicks are introduced. Most of the stages have different paths you can take to complete them. Sometimes you'll unlock hidden stages by finishing levels in unconventional ways. Some of the secret stages are really challenging.

In my opinion, the best part of this game is the level design... there is so much packed into each level. In order to beat the stage at all, you'll probably play the stage one to three times. To unlock the titles (you gain titles by performing certain tasks in levels), collect all the equipment, or get the top times you'll need to play the stages a lot. It's a joy to go through them. Playing through a stage is like solving a small puzzle. And you can get that satisfied feeling of leveling up in a game and overpowering your enemies.

Let me explain how a stage might work. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'm just making up an example, but the stages play out a lot like this. Here's what you can expect:

In your first run through a stage, you might grind for a few minutes, pay 300G to recruit a mercenary ally from a bar, complete a sidequest for him by finding a memento left for him by his deceased wife in a cave that boosts his power, grind some more, reach level 60, then finally be strong enough to take out the mini-boss and the boss. You unlock a title and completed the stage in maybe five minutes (throughout the stage you'll be stopping at villages to chat, learn some backstory, heal, and reset the timer.)

But then you play again. You grind for a bit and recruit the mercenary, but don't do his quest. You remember a townsperson in the first village mentioned something about a hidden village you ignored the first time, so you go searching for it this time. You go through a cave of monsters and find the village on a peninsula in a hidden patch of a forest. The shop there sells a demon slaying sword for 200G. You may need to grind for a minute to afford the sword, but now you can rush through the rest stage and One Hit KO the miniboss and boss. This will get you a new sword to use in future stages, unlock a title, and it took you only three minutes instead of five.

Maybe you're satisfied with what you've done so far. Or maybe you want to get a lower score. Speedrunning may not be your thing, but it doesn't mean you won't enjoy the game. Even without the speed running, the stages are still really fun to go through and you can beat them no matter how good or bad you are at games. But if you want more of a challenge and want more gameplay, it's definitely an option.

Let's say you looked at the leaderboard and saw people were beating the stage within 30 seconds and you want to figure out how. So you play the stage a ton of times, finding several new paths through the stage and some time shaving shortcuts. You finally get the 'Aha!' moment. You equip some armor that lets you swim, shoes that make you dash faster, and a sword that increases your base HP by 30. You don't equip a shield so you can move faster. You start the stage and dash off to a forest in the east, where there's a really weak monster that drops 230G, but no experience. Once you got the gold, you dash off to the village on the peninsula, taking a shortcut through the water this time. Because you're using the sword that boosts your base HP, you don't need to stop by any towns on the way to refill your HP. You use up all your money to buy the demon slaying sword and heal, but it doesn't matter because you're aiming to beat the stage within 30 seconds, so you don't need money to reset the timer. Now you rush through the rest of the stage, again through the water, and beat the mini-boss and the boss with a second to spare. You get nothing new, this playthrough was entirely optional, but you have the satisfaction of beating the stage in 29 seconds rather than three or five minutes. You can play again to lower your score even more. Maybe you took some wasted steps or maybe you finished the boss with a lot of life remaining and you realize you should have dashed more. There is a lot of replay, complexity, and skill to this game if you want it.

- Story -

This game does have a coherent story that justifies all the gameplay mechanics. The main premise is simple though: You're on a quest to save the world from destruction. In many ways, this game is a parody and homage to all the JRPGs that came before it. Just like how the gameplay parodied a lot of JRPG gameplay tropes, the story parodies JRPG story tropes. You have allies bent on revenge, an elf archer, greedy mayors, and so on.

The dialogue and humor are what really makes the story special. There's a lot of self-aware humor... like there's a comment about how the bridgemaker that can repair a bridge with only a hammer you found is more amazing than the Evil Lord with the power to destroy the world. Your constant companion (a greedy Time Goddess who resets time for you) has lots of funny lines too.

Some of the stages are really gems and don't rely on humor at all. There are a couple stages in there that will probably amaze you with how much content was squeezed into a few minutes of gameplay.

Also, all the story sequences and dialogue are skippable, which is great for when you're replaying stages.

- Replayability -

I believe the replayability is very high. Although you can go through the game just once and call it quits in maybe 4-8 hours of pure active fun, this game has tons of secrets asking to be discovered through playthroughs. Getting all the achievements will probably take around 10-30 hours without constantly using a guide. If you try to get the top times on stages, you're looking at a lot more replayability... it's really up to you.

There is also a multiplayer mode where you compete with up to four other players to defeat the Evil Lord first. It's like a normal stage (with less story), but now there are four of you running around competing for resources, racing to kill the Evil Lord. This mode is fun, but could be done better. The match-making isn't very good, players are allowed to set up their own handicaps, and restarting a game is a pain.

- Graphics and Sound -

The graphics are nice. There are two types you can choose between. The first is an 8-bit Sprite mode that parodies older generation RPGS. The second is a cartoony HD mode. Text is easy to read and HUDs are clear. They're not cutting edge, but the graphics are perfect for the kind of game this is. The music is good and appropriate too.

- But I already played the PSP version! -

This game is a remake of the PSP version. It's not a strict port, it's a remake with added features. If you enjoyed it on the PSP, I strongly suggest you pick this game up. Not only are there several new lengthy levels to play, but it'll encourage more of this kind of localization. Plus, it's pretty cheap.

Here are the changes from the PSP version:

1. An OPTIONAL new HD cartoony graphic mode. You can revert to 8-bit if you don't like it, but the new mode grows on you and the 8-bit sprites don't scale very well on large TVs.
2. 8 new quests were added to Hero 30. These quests weigh on the long side. Several feature creative new gimmicks. It's at least an hour or two to get the titles/equipment... way more if you try to get the lowest score on the boards.
3. Some quests were rebalanced and some new equipment was added.
4. The multiplayer mode was expanded and now comes with 10 maps. The maps are all pretty interesting.
5. There are proper leaderboards, as well as an option that lets you see a "ghost" of you or your friend's best performance of a particular stage as you're playing.
6. Evil Lord 30, Princess 30, and Knight 30 modes were all replaced by a new single Hero 30 style quest each. They're pretty long quests, but much shorter than the PSP modes.
7. The 'Another Goddess' quest was removed from Hero 30 mode.
8. There's a downloadable content section, so more maps/modes may be released later.

- Closing -

So, that's what I have to say about this game. I strongly encourage you to buy it. It may not end up being your cup of tea, but it's worth trying out. The game is deceptively simple. Although it may look and sound like it would be better as a flash game or something... the stages and mechanics are very well done (I really admire the game design) and there are a lot of creative, well-executed ideas that I believe push it from the realm of novelty into the realm of a great game that deserves to be successful.

Of course, no game is perfect and this game has things that could be done better. But it's been the game I've had the most fun with in years. Hope I helped you make a decision!

Lost Odyssey Dream Transcripts

2011-09-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Lost Odyssey is a JRPG for the XBox360, with music by Nobuo Uematsu and direction by the father of Final Fantasy. It was a decent RPG... but what really made it stand out were the "dreams" scattered throughout the game. The dreams were short stories about the life and experiences of the immortal main character prior to the game. They are nice, melancholic reads. You don't have to play the game to understand them, they're completely stand alone.

You can read all of them here: http://lostodyssey.wikia.com/wiki/A_Thousand_Years_of_Dreams/Dream_Trigger_Locations

History of Scanlation

2011-08-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've been interested in manga since high school. I got into the scanlation scene as it was starting. Someone made a website documenting scanlations... reading it was very nostalgic. I thought it was really well written.

Here's the link to the History of Scanlation. It's definitely worth a read.

Here's their list of interviews too. It's really interesting if you were involved at all during the early period of scanlation.

Random Non Conventional Cosplay

2011-05-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Keroro Gunso (Sgt. Frog) Cosplay

Sen to Chihiro (Spirited Away) Cosplay

Unintentional Dragon Ball Z Cosplay

Cute One Piece Cosplay

Rimu

2011-05-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

I found these on my hard drive. I'm not entirely sure what they are, the files were like 10 years old. I had a translation file and these scanlated pages... I think I made them for practice when I was thinking of getting into doing scanlations. If the folder name is to be trusted, it was from a comic called "Rimu." It looks pretty funny, I wish I could figure out what it is and where I got it. Heh heh. There are 8 scanlated comics here total, you have to follow the break. Read the comics right to left.

Ico Comics

2011-05-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Found these on my hard drive, thought they were hilarious so I decided to share, along with completely unnecessary translations. These are comics related to the game ICO.

Text

Girl: There's lots of room...

Text

Child 1: *kid noises, sorry, I'm not sure*
Child 2: *kid noises, sorry, I'm not sure*

Text

Girl: Let go~~
Police Officer: Stop!

There's also the awesome "Training Day" comic.

And of course, the classic Penny Arcade Ico Comic.

Caramelldansen Taunts - A Brawl Hack

2011-05-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

I told you yesterday that I was saving the coolest Caramelldansen for last... and here it is.

It's almost every Super Smash Brothers Brawl character doing the Caramelldansen dance as their taunt! Sure beats the animated versions (here and here.) And the best part? As long as you have an SD card, you can easily mod the taunts into the game for your own use.

Brawl modding is pretty easy and the results can be pretty cool. (hmm... i maybe should have chosen another example.) Just follow this guide and, if you can read directions, you'll be set up in half an hour. Once you're set up though... If you just want the Carmelldansen taunts, that'll just be copying one directory to your flash card and you're done. But see if you can stop at just that one mod... you can easily spend days sorting through assets and configuring your Brawl hacks.

Top Ten Caramelldansen

2011-05-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

It's Caramelldansen Time!

Caramelldansen is a meme combining a Swedish song of the same name with a very simple dance. The dance originated in Japan, where it's also called ウマウマダンス (uma uma dance) / ウッーウッーウマウマ (ua- ua- uma uma) due to confusion about the lyrics. I like the Chinese names for it. In addition to 焦糖舞 (caramel dance), they call it 兔耳舞, which means Rabbit Ear Dance. That's a pretty good description of the dance. People will release videos of their favorite anime characters doing the Caramelldansen dance.

Anyway, there are literally thousands of variations you can find on Youtube or Nico Nico Douga. I'm going to list my top ten favorites. (top 10s are good, right?) My favorites are mostly videos that are either themed or have large amounts of characters. As far as I care, this list is the best of the best. Well, except for the one I think is the absolute coolest, which I'll save for tomorrow's post.

3D-CG Vocaloid Nendroids

One Piece (cast up to 2010)

Full Metal Alchemist

Rurouni Kenshin

Lupin

Evangelion (there's also a second part if you click this link)

Haruhi

Gundam 00

Yu Yu Hakusho

Lotsa Random Characters

Harry Potter Schools

2011-05-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

I think it's pretty amazing how you can take a photo of Emma Watson as Hermoine, change the color schemes, and make it look like she belongs in a completely different Hogwarts house.

To Gryffindor go the bold and brave,

while Ravenclaw keeps the genius.

Slytherin claims the most ambitious,

and to the rest go Hufflepuff.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2 comes out July 15th... it's so strange that the movie series is going to end.

Flame of Recca Review

2011-05-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

This manga takes place in the modern day. 16-year old self-proclaimed ninja Recca, a girl he chose as his master, and a group of friends who become increasingly close fight against an incredibly evil business man trying to find a certain magical artifacts, which are called madougouin this series. This manga focuses on fights, character back stories, and small bits of comedy. Each character has their own madougou which they must cleverly use to fight against their opponent. The characters strength comes from learning new abilities from their madougou and due to their determination to protect each other. It has a very good, diverse cast of characters who get good development throughout the series and are given good backstories. This manga does include a lengthy tournament.

I was introduced to this series through fansubs several years ago. I felt that the series started off very strong, then got linearly less interesting, but then ended strong. Years later, I found that the anime series (which was 42 episodes) was based off of a manga series (episode 42 was roughly equivalent to volume 16 out of 36.) I found scanlations for the manga and finished the series. Later I read the first 16 volumes as well, after the series was released by Viz.

This is a highly recommended series as long as you're not tired of shonen cliches. In my opinion, it is one of the top shonen fighting manga because of the great detail in defining the character's motivations and the pure awesomeness of the main character's power.

There are three points which I count as weaknesses. The first is the art quality. The first 16 volumes are not very fun to look at, in my opinion. However, if you view this series as I did with the anime transitioning into the manga, this point is negligible. The second is the fights themselves. Many of the fights really aren't that interesting, specifically the ones where the victor is determined by "Oh, I suddenly found a new ability of my madougou that I didn't know about before." This is not so bad though because there are a fair number of fights that are determind by the fighter cleverly using their known abilities. The final weakness is the tournament in the middle. While I understand why the author did it, it lasted too long and pales in comparison to the less cliche feeling and more revelation filled story arcs of the beginning and the end.

In any case, this series is in my top ten manga list. Seeing these characters struggle and achieve their goals have motivated me, somehow. "I must Protect my Princess" is a great life mantra, in my opinion. Plus, thinking about summoning flame has done wonders for my imagination. Definitely take a look at this one.

[warning! ending spoilers follow]

In addition to the three points of weakness I gave before, there is one more. The ending. This is probably just my preference, but... when you think about it, the whole series took place in less than a year. I would have really liked a look into the future to see how the characters turned out in the long run. Yes, I realized that the story was over and the whole thing isn't real anyway, but I would have enjoyed it more if the author showed the lives of the characters a bit after things got calm. It's easy to grow, develop, bond, and such during a large crisis... but what happens once life is no longer crazy? True, I'm asking for to much, probably, and it's probably just because I get too interested and involved with the characters in the story.

As a counterpoint, the ending does completely "end the story" without any lingering mysteries or any chances for continuation.

Onani Master Kurosawa

2011-05-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

One of the best obscure manga out there is a doujin (amateur) work called "Onani Master Kurosawa"... or translated more completely, "Masturbation Master Kurosawa." Despite the name, it's not a pornographic story. It's a very good manga about growing up. The art itself is a very sketchy style, which I personally really like. While this manga is not porn, it does deal with mature issues and is probably best for late high school age and up.

If you want to read it, here's a file with all chapters of the manga as well the special short story that takes place after the last chapter. I highly recommend it. Enjoy!

Final Fantasy 13 Prologue

2011-05-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

Ah, Final Fantasy 13... lots of opinions on this game. Personally, I thought it was pretty bad. I did really like the battle system and the battle music. If it used the old traditional system, I probably would have hated the game. I didn't like the characters and I didn't like the story at all.

Anyway, a prologue light novel was released before the game. You can read it translated here. If you like Final Fantasy 13 or have nothing better to do, it might be worth you time.

Chinese Poster

2011-05-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

I like this poster. I found it on reddit and thought it was hilarious. The text is supposed to mean: "It doesn't mean anything, but it looks pretty." You're supposed to hang it up somewhere and when people ask you what it means, you can truthfully say "It doesn't mean anything, but it looks pretty." Hehe... I'd like a calligraphy version that looks a lot fancier though. Maybe later.

Lupin the 3rd

2011-05-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

I was browsing pixiv the other day and was surprised at how many cool Lupin pics there were. I collected a bunch of them that you can download here. The image above is the image collection contents. (The screenshot of the scrolling window was created with FastStone Capture, which is a pretty nifty tool.)

Final Fantasy 7 Plot Analysis

2011-05-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Final Fantasy 7 is almost certainly the most popular Final Fantasy. I played it when it first came out and really enjoyed it, although it's not my favorite. Due to the translation (or perhaps my age at the time), I didn't really grasp the entire story. After reading this incredibly well detailed plot analysis, I firmly decided that Final Fantasy 7 had the best story of all of them. There was a lot of cool stuff in there even without understanding everything. After getting it all, it's even more interesting. That plot analysis is worth reading even if you hadn't played through the game. Final Fantasy VII's story was well thought out and (imo) had a better plot line than most manga out there and the plot analysis goes over this story well.

Advent Children (the CG movie) was a fun visual feast, although it was pretty confusing to follow what was supposed to be going on. An accompanying prequel light novel was released along with it, which you can read translated here. The novel is a series of shot stories, each focusing on a different character. The novel is only okay, but if you're a Final Fantasy VII fan, they're worth a read.

Fate Zero Anime Trailer

2011-05-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

The Fate Zero anime, done by ufotable, is coming in October. The trailer was released yesterday... see the website for the anime over here.

Castlevania: Harmony of Darkness

2011-05-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Got this game during a recent sale, which was good because it meant there were a lot of other new players. It's really fun; simply put it's multiplayer Castlevania. When you die in multiplayer mode, you become a really weak skeleton. You'll do 1 damage when you might normally do 70.

The scenario in the comic happened to me last night, it was really fun. One low level guy was randomly wandering around the castle we cleared out while we were fighting Dracula on Chapter 6 Hard. We all died from an attack we weren't expecting. The other guy was still alive so the stage wouldn't end. So we started throwing bones at Dracula, expecting to run out of time and lose. Suddenly, Dracula died, and we all shouted at the last guy to rush up and open the treasure chests (we only had 5 minutes left). He made it. Hehe, it was really funny. The last guy was playing Jonathan too.

By the way, if you like Metroidvania (yeah, we all hate the name, but it works) games, this page has a fairly complete list of them.

Densha Otoko

2011-05-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Read Densha Otoko online!

Densha Otoko is a fun story. It focuses on a Japanese geek who helps out an elegant woman on a train, then begins the unlikely process of courting of her. He's pretty clueless when it comes to women, so he turns to a huge Japanese forum for help. The (allegedly true) story is told through these forum posts. It's a fun read and not too long. You can read it online or buy the official English localization.

By the by, Densha Otoko was a pretty big property. It got a novel, a movie, a drama, an anime spinoff of the drama, and a manga. I watched the drama and highly recommend it.

Cave Johnson is Awesome

2011-05-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR PORTAL 2 BELOW

Portal 2 is a pretty fun game and has pretty amusing dialogue. I kinda see it as a two-for-one deal: Game and Comedy. Out of all the dialogue, I think that Cave Johnson's parts are the best. As you've probably heard, his best scene is the following test sequence, where he talks about combustible lemons.

But all his stuff is pretty hilarious. Here's a link to an mp3 with all of Cave Johnson's lines (unfortunately not in order), as well as the new ending song.

On that note, I also enjoyed Jonathan Coulton's new ending song, "Want You Gone." Originally I wasn't so fond of it, but I have to admit that it grew on me a lot. I don't know if "Still Alive" is even a better song, or if it was just a better surprise.

By the way, if you're more a Wheatley guy, this link goes to voice clips of all the personality core lines: http://soundcloud.com/betarepeating/sets/portal-2-cores/

Hatsune Miku Sings the Heart Sutra

2011-05-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I know this song can be annoying to some people, but I love it. Not only do I think the song itself is catchy, but I'm this close to memorizing the allegedly best known and most popular of all Buddhist Scriptures in Japanese ^_^.

What is the Heart Sutra? Well, I'm not a Buddhist and a lot of this is based off of Wikipedia (so don't be offended if I'm not 100% right)... But from my understanding, the Heart Sutra (Prajna-paramita Hrdaya Sutram) is a well-known Mahāyāna Buddhist sūtra. Sutras are more or less dense religious messages in the form of a poem, which allows them to be be easily chanted and memorized. The Heart Sutra is basically about the insights and liberation the Bodhisattva Avalokiteśvara discovered after performing deep meditation in order to awaken the faculty of wisdom. Um... now you know!

Hatsune Miku is a popular female character combined with a singing synthesizer application. This virtual idol has even performed successful live concerts!

This video is obviously (if you watched it) Hatsune Miku singing the Heart Sutra. This rendition got really popular on Nico Nico Douga and lots of variations of it were created. The following is a random list of Miku-sung Heart Sutras in slightly different musical styles. There are many, many more out there.

Pop - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CcIH7oxBP4
Rock - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkPXe4yb1W4
R&B - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJfPGBC0h1U
Hardcore - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbcW5L91HzY
Ballad - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73qiCtOGdDM
Dark - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJxDrJpIQVE
Anime OP - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6tRm60b9Qo
Mixture - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRG9QwqSS34
Techno - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TFMNknlZ-M
Electronica - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GbTezkm1FU
Rock DC - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0s3L1xvymE
Samba - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iym9GbimD_U
ElectRock - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvL0tmLiqj4
Lovers - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2r4LzlTSaM
Gumi cover - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spep37x6poI
Loud Park 2010 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o43YYpk8_k
Punk - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXFVJuWkzas

Rin Cover - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc1z6Gn0DuI

Rin Hard - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sARKJGOi_Ck

Pikopiko - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJM8g0GrB3g
UmiNeko - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkjsAGZpA3c
Luka - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-uZkeUeYHM

Free Neal Stephenson Stuff

2011-05-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

Neal Stephenson is a great writer who is able to put deep ideas and pretty technical detail in his entertaining stories and essays. He has a lot of works that are available freely on the internet, so you can give his writing a try. If you like these samples, you'll almost definitely like his novels.

Jepe and the Paranoid Chip - A freely available short story involving AI.

Spew - A freely available short story about... hmm... infomation and trending?

THE GREAT SIMOLEON CAPER - A freely available short story about currency.

In the Beginning, there was the Command Line - An essay mostly about Neal Stephenson's experiences and thoughts about computers. This is very long and slightly out of date, but it's still interesting, especially if you don't know much about the early days of computers.

Mother Earth, Mother Board - A cool, long essay that talks about the literally huge wires that connect the world. It's about Neal Stephenson following FLAG, a global undersea fiber optic cable. He comments a lot about the history and politics around FLAG, as well as about his surroundings.

Snow Crash: A fictional cyberpunk novel about the metaverse, Y.T., and the sword toting Hiro is perhaps the novel Neil Stephenson is best known for.

Jokes from a Dilbert Thread

2011-05-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, a long time (2007!) ago I copied the jokes I liked best from some old dilbert blog thread to a text file. I was cleaning out my computer the other day and came across it. My tastes in jokes haven't changed too much and I still think it's a decent list, so I decided to post it. So here you go.

WARNING: Some of these jokes are pretty crude. They're jokes though, so they're not meant to be taken seriously. Still, don't read them if you just want PG related jokes... Dilbert blog readers apparently aren't PG joke people . ^^ Here are some awesome clean jokes, if you want.

Joke 1

Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.

Joke 2

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Browns fan to my back."

Joke 3

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Joke 4

Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.

Joke 5

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Joke 6

A guy read that the local newspaper was holding a joke writing contest. He wrote 10 puns and sent them in, hoping that one of them would win a prize. But alas, no pun in ten did.

Joke 7

Two explorers are captured by a tribe. The chief tells the two, "I will give you a choice: death... or mombo bombo."

The first explorer isn't sure what mombo bombo is, but knows nothing is worse than dying. So he says, "I choose mombo bombo."

The chief turns to the warriors massed behind him, raises his spear, and shouts, "He chooses mombo-bombo!" And the warriors surge forward, swarm over the explorer, rip his clothes off, and over the next few hours, take turns giving it to him in the butt, until finally they let him crawl off into the forest.

The chief asks the second, horrified explorer, "What is your choice, death... or mombo bombo?"

The explorer wastes no time in choosing death. The chief turns to the horde, raises his spear, and shouts, "He chooses death... by mombo bombo!"

Joke 8

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip!

Joke 9

Mary had a little skirt
with splits up both the sides
everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
with one split up the front
she tended not to wear that one very often.

Joke 10

A snail learns to be a racing driver, At his first race he is told to put a mark on the car to identify it in the race so he draws an S on the doors. He gets off to a bad start but soon strats making his way through the field, As he takes first place the comentator exitedly shouts "Look at the S car go!"

Joke 11

- Students -
Engineering student: "How will this work?"
Science student: "Why will this work?"
Management student: "When will this work?"
Arts student: "Would you like fries with that?"

Joke 12

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Joke 13

A beautiful girl walks into a bar,
"Barman, I'd like your finest double-entendre!"
So the barman gave her one.

Joke 14

A Jewish mother gives her son two ties for his birthday. When he comes over for dinner the next Friday night, he's wearing one of the ties. She says, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Joke 15

A guy goes to the zoo, and all that was there was a dog. It was a shit zoo.

Joke 16

Q. What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A. ...dam.

Joke 17

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
An American woman is sitting across from them. The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first, but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella...

'Mississippi' ."

Joke 18

A man is out walking one day when he sees a farmer standing in a paddock. He walks up to him and says "Are you alright, mate?"
The farmer says, "Oh yes, I'm just trying to get one of those Nobel prizes."
"You are?" asks the by now quite confused man.
"Well, apparently they give them to people who are out standing in their field".

Joke 19

Under capitalism, man exploits his fellow man, but under communism, it's the other way around.

Joke 20

Q: What is the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?
A: Jeans only have one fly on them!

Joke 21

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell.

Joke 22

A man invited his aged mother over to dinner at his house one night. During the course of dinner, the mother couldn't help but notice how shapely her son's live in housekeeper was, and became suspicious about their relationship. When she asked her son about it, he assured her that their relationship was purely professional.

Some days after the man's mother had visited for dinner, the housekeeper came to him and said that she could not find the lovely silver gravy ladle, and that it had been missing since the night of his mother's visit. Not wanting to confront his mother directly, the man wrote her this letter: "I'm not saying that you did take the silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you visited for dinner."

Several days later a letter came back from his mother: "I'm not saying that you are sleeping with your housekeeper and I'm not saying that you aren't sleeping with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Joke 23

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Joke 24

Q. Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
A. Neither have they.

Joke 25

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American survive a shipwreck and wash up on shore of a tropical island. A short while later some natives approach them. The chief says "We are tired of being trapped on this island. We are going to kill you and use your skin to make a boat to get off the island. To prove we aren't savages, we will grant you each one request before you die. The French man requests a sharp knife. He takes the knife, shouts "Vive la France," slits his own throat, and drops dead. The Englishman also requests a sharp knife. He takes the knife, shouts "God save the Queen," slits his own throat, and drops dead. The American requests a fork. He takes the fork from the puzzled natives, starts poking himself all over his body with it, and shouts "To Hell with your damn boat!"

Joke 26

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
A: The sperm has a one-in-a-billion chance to be human.

Joke 27

Q: How can you tell a porcupine from a BMW?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Joke 28

A Southern gal greets a new neighbor. Hey, where y'all from?
The neighbor replies frostily, We are from where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.
The Southern gal says, Oh, okay. Where y'all from, bitch?

Joke 29

Q: Two fish are in a tank.
A: One fish says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

Joke 30

Q. What's better than winning gold at the para-olympics?
A. Walking

Joke 31

Q: Why are French women so stupid?
A: Because they're women.

Joke 32

Q: What's yellow and invisible?
A: No bananas.

Joke 33

- Chuck Norris Jokes -
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Joke 34

Q: How do you know when you've been married too long?
A: Your wife wears crotchless panties... and they weren't that way when she bought them.

Joke 35

Micky mouse and Minnie Mouse finally ended up in divorce court. However, the judge is confused.
"Mr Mouse", he said, "I'm not sure insanity is a valid reason for the divorce."
Mickey mouse answers "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

Joke 36

John moves to a remote part of Alaska to get away from it all. After about 6 months of no human interaction, he is glad to see a car coming up his long driveway. A large burly man gets out and comes to the door.

"Greetings" says that man, "I am your neighbor from down the road. Every year at this time, I have a party, and I wanted to invite you."

"Great!" says John. "I have not seen another person in months, a party would be awesome!"

The man nods, and as he starts to leave, he says "I gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some drinkin' at this party." John says "Great, I love to drink!"

The mans nods and turns to leave again, but stops, and says "I gotta warn you, there's gonna be some fightin' at this party". John says "I was a gold gloves middleweight in college, and while I usually get along with everyone, I can hold my own in a scuffle."

The man then says "I also need to warn you, there's gonna be wild insane sex at this party." John does not hesitate breaking in to a grin "I have been up here for 6 months all alone, so I am all for some wild sex!"

John then asks "Oh, by the way, what can I bring?"

The man thinks for a second, and responds "I doesn't really matter, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Joke 37

Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It was pissed off.

Joke 38

Q: what do you have if you've got two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.

Joke 39

A minister, a politician, and an engineer are caught up in a civil war and are taken prisoner. The warlord condemns them to death and has a guillotine set up. First to have his head put under the blade is the minister. The executioner pulls the lever, but the blade does not fall. The warlord takes this as evidence of divine intervention and orders the minister freed. Next is the politician. Again the blade fails to fall, and the warlord orders him freed. As the engineer approaches the guillotine, he looks up and says, "I think I see what the problem."

Joke 40

Q: What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A: A big red rock eater!
Q: What's big, red, and if it falls from a tree, it'll kill you?
A: A FIRE TRUCK.

Joke 41

Q: What are 3 two-letter words that mean 'small?'
A: Is it in?
I love telling men this joke and if they know the punchline, I say, "Oh! You've heard that before!" Then they turn all red with embarrassment.

Joke 42

Q: You have a black guy and a latino - who drives?
A: The cop.

Joke 43

A Sales Guy, a Marketing Guy, and an Engineer die and find themselves sitting side by side in a waiting room.

A man approaches and asks the Sales Guy to follow him to the first of three doors. He opens the door and inside the room is a rabid dog, foaming at the mouth. He tells the Sales Guy, "You have sinned badly in your life. You must spend eternity with this rabid dog." "NOOOOOO!" the Sales Guy screams, but the man pushes him into the room and shuts the door, but not before the other two hear screams of agony and gnashing teeth.

The man approaches the other two and asks the Marketing Guy to follow him to the second of three doors. Inside this room is a starving tiger, so hungry it's eating it's own paw. The man tells the Marketing Guy, "You have sinned badly in your life. You must spend eternity with this starving lion." "NOOOOOO!" the Marketing Guy screams, but the man pushes him into the room and shuts the door, but not before the engineer again hears screams of agony and gnashing teeth.

The man approaches the Engineer and leads him to the third door. This time, when the door opens, there's only an empty room. The man tells the Engineer to go inside and wait. The Engineer, mystified, does what he is told. After the man shuts the door, the back wall slides back revealing Angelina Jolie, naked, tied to a bed!

Then he notices a man standing next to Angelina and hears him tell her, "Angelina, you have sinned badly in your life..."

Joke 44

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises. Etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The fateful hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him!

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? (Pause awhile and do not read on until you have made your own choice).

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things get ugly.

Joke 45

Q. What is the difference between a Marine and a balloon?
A. a balloon doesn't scream when you blow it up.

Joke 46

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice

Joke 47

Round 1:

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Boy Scout are on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. The boat begins to sink, and there are only two life-preservers.

The Priest asks, "What do we do?"

The Rabbi says, "Well, screw the little boy".

The Priest asks, "Do we have time?"

Round two:

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Boy Scout are on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. The boat begins to sink, and there are only two life-preservers.

The Rabbi asks, "What do we do?"

The Priest says, "Well, screw the little boy".

The Rabbi asks, "Outta what? His milk money? Oy!"

Joke 48

Cow 1: I got artifici1ally inseminated today
Cow 2: Get outta here! You're kiddin me!
Cow 1: Seriously. Straight up!!! No Bull!

Joke 49

A pirate walks into a bar with a giant steering wheel sticking out of his fly.
The bartender says, "Hey Mr. Pirate, do you know that there's a giant steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arrrrrr, yes matey, and it's drivin' me nuts."

Joke 50

Q: What did Hellen Keller's parents do to punish her?
A: Rearrange the furniture.

Joke 51

Q: How do you keep Hellen Keller busy for hours?
A: Give her a basketball to read.

Joke 52

Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman.

Joke 53

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Joke 54

Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe?
A: It's f_____g close to water

Joke 55

Q: What's the leading cause of pedophilia?
A: Sexy kids.

Joke 56

Q: What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-five year olds?
A: There's twenty of them!

Joke 57

A man goes fishing down at the dock. When he gets there there is a woman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The man ignores her and starts fishing.

A few minutes later the woman starts crying. The man tries to ignore her, but the distraction is too much, so he asks her why she's crying.

She responds that no one loves her because she's a freak, and that no one has ever hugged her. The man feels sorry for her and goes over and gives her a hug.

A few minutes later the woman starts crying again. The man is a little more agitated and tries harder to ignore her but his softer side prevails and he asks again why she's crying.

She responds that no one has ever wanted to kiss her because she's so grotesque. The man feels sorry for her, but really just wants to fish in peace. Finally he gives in and gives her a quick kiss.

After a few minutes the woman starts crying again. The man, clearly agitated with the interruption, asks her, "What's the matter now?"

She replies that she is a virgin and no one has ever wanted to have sex with her.

The man looks long and hard at the woman. Finally he walks over, picks her up out of the chair, looks deep into her eyes, and tosses her into the water saying, "Well, you're fucked now!"

Joke 58

Favorite of all time because it teaches a lesson:

Man (to woman in a bar): "I'll give you a million bucks if you give me a blow job."
Woman: "Sure!".
Man: "OK. How about for $10?",
Woman: "Sir, what do you think I am?".
Man: "We've already established that. Now we're dickering on price."

Joke 59

Two lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other calls 911 on his cell phone.

911: What is your emergency please?

Lawyer: (Panicky) My friend and I are out in the woods and he just fell to the ground. I think he's dead. What do I do? What do I do?

911: Sir, please calm down, I can help you. The first thing you need to do is to be sure that he is dead.

Lawyer: Right. (BANG!)
Lawyer: Okay, now what?

Joke 60

Q: Why was the blonde's belly button bruised?
A: Because her boyfriend is a blonde too.

Joke 61

Q: What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
A: Wah-taa!

obama

2011-05-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's kinda timely to post this picture by spacecoyote. In case you don't get the reference, it's a parody of the Okami box art. If you've played that great game, you're probably hearing echoes of the title call in your head by now.

Kyon Likes Ponytails

2011-05-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

Kyon says things like "You know... ponytails turn me on"... but doesn't his sister... umm...

Hyadain's Kakakata Kataomoi

2011-05-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

So, I like Hyadain's music and he's come out with something new. Namely, he's done the opening to an anime called "Nichijou" (imo, it's only an okay anime.) I really enjoyed the song and the music video. Hyadain looks a lot more normal than I was expecting, especially for a guy who writes such frantic songs and always sings the girl voices. If you want the single, you can buy it or download it from over here. If you want more, a list of a bunch of his lyricized video game covers have been posted on this blog before.

PCSX2 0.9.8!

2011-05-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

Playstation 2 Emulator PCSX2 0.9.8 has been released! This release in particular is a big improvement (usability-wise at least) from the previous version.

If you haven't tried out PCSX2, you really should. It's a very good emulator and most of my PS2 games run at 60fps on my machine without any problem (granted, I have a pretty newly built system.) What's the benefit of using an emulator against using your own PS2? For me, it's simple: Save States and Cheats. These features let the lazy gamer I've grown up to be finally finish up my old games stress free. ^^ It's really easy to install this emulator, just follow the directions. You'll need a ps2 bios, but that isn't too much of an issue to find.

If you want to play the games using a Playstation controller, I suggest using your PS3 controller along with MotionJoy. It works very well for me. I plug it into my USB port, but you can do it over Bluetooth too.

List of Jin Yong's Wuxia in English

2011-05-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

(last updated May 26, 2011)

A few years ago I started reading Jin Yong's wuxia stories and really enjoyed them. Wuxia is a broad genre of Chinese fiction that focuses on the adventures of martial artists; the stories are usually period pieces. Jin Yong (also known as Louis Cha) is one of the most famous and loved Wuxia writers. He wrote 15 stories that are well known throughout the world. I don't want to spend too much time here giving an overview of wuxia and Jin Yong, but if you're new and want to give the wuxia genre a try, I suggest you start with The Legend of Condor Heroes.

The sites where I found Jin Yong English translations stopped updating years ago and it wasn't until recently I found out that his stories were still actively being fan-translated. I decided to take a few hours and make an up-to-date list of the various Jin Yong translations I could find. I'll try to periodically update this translation listing. I hope having an easy to read list of Jin Yong in English will be helpful. Please post a comment or e-mail me if you notice I'm missing or misreporting anything!

But before I go into my list, let me provide some general links. Pretty much all the English translations (not to mention worthwhile wuxia discussion) that I know about come from the spcnet forums, specifically their wuxia sections. It is a huge forum though and takes some time to wade through, so it's worthwhile for me to point out more specific links.

Spcnet Wuxia Translations - All the active wuxia translation projects I know about take place here.
http://wuxiapedia.com/ - This site no longer seems to be updated, but they have a pretty nice layout.
http://members.cox.net/foxs/home.html - This site houses translations of Jin Yong's Condor Trilogy in pdf format. The translations themselves originated from spcnet.
QiQi Jin Yong - This site has all of Jin Yong's novels in simplified Chinese.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jin_Yong - For all further information, wikipedia is as good a place as any to start.

Legend

Green: Complete and pretty well edited. Ready to read!
Yellow: Not yet complete and well edited. Some translations are actively in progress.
Red: Very little to no progress.
*: I've read this translation and really enjoyed it. ymmv

I didn't provide any summaries because I think they'd be distracting for this list. Instead, I added links to the wikipedia entries. They have pretty good summaries, but be careful because there are massive spoilers as well.

It should be easy to navigate this list. The link names are generally shorthand for where the link goes to. I listed the links in the order I preferred to read them. (Although spcnet is great and very active, it is a forum and I'm not used to reading such huge blocks of text in a forum layout.) I've also added notes where I think it's appropriate.

Chronological Listing of Jin Yong Works

1. * The Book and the Sword / Book and Sword, Gratitude and Revenge (書劍恩仇錄) (Wiki)
COMPLETE Qiqi / New ending from the Third Edition
COMPLETE Official English Edition
Notes: The Official English Edition is an edited version of the qiqi link. This was the first Jin Yong translation I read and I enjoyed it.

2. Sword Stained with Royal Blood (碧血劍) (Wiki)
INCOMPLETE Spcnet Thread (Chapter 3-6)

3. * The Legend of the Condor Heroes / Legend of Eagle Shooting Hero (射鵰英雄傳) (Wiki)
INCOMPLETE Wuxiapedia (Chapter 1-27)
COMPLETE Spcnet Thread / PDF Version / PDB Version
Notes: First part of the Condor Trilogy. I'd highly recommend reading this Jin Yong novel first. The translation reads nicely and the story is very easy to get into.

4. Fox Volant of the Snowy Mountain / Flying Fox of Snowy Mountain (雪山飛狐) (Wiki)
COMPLETE Official English Edition
Notes: The English Edition's translation is generally reviewed pretty negatively. I haven't read it and can't judge it myself, so I decided to list it in yellow.

5. The Return of the Condor Heroes / Divine Eagle, Gallant Knight (神鵰俠侶) (Wiki)
COMPLETE Wuxiapedia

COMPLETE Spcnet Thread / PDF Version

Notes: Second part of the Condor Trilogy.

6. Other Tales of the Flying Fox (飛狐外傳) (Wiki)
INCOMPLETE Spcnet Thread

7. Swordswoman Riding West on White Horse / White Horse Neighing in the Wind (白馬嘯西風) (Wiki)
COMPLETE Spcnet Thread 1 / Spcnet Thread 2

8. Blade-dance of the Two Lovers / The Lovers' Sabres (鴛鴦刀) (Wiki)
COMPLETE Spcnet Thread

9. Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre / Heavenly Sword, Dragon Slaying Sabre (倚天屠龍記) (Wiki)
INCOMPLETE Wuxiapedia (Chapter 1-22)
COMPLETE Spcnet Thread / PDF Version
Notes: Final part of the Condor Trilogy.

10. A Deadly Secret / Secret of the Linked Cities (連城訣) (Wiki)
IN PROGRESS Spcnet Thread

11. Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils (天龍八部) (Wiki)
IN PROGRESS Spcnet Thread 1 (Chapter 1-24)

12. Ode to Gallantry (俠客行) (Wiki)
INCOMPLETE Wuxiapedia (Chapters 1-10)*
COMPLETE Spcnet Thread 1 (Chapters 1-10) / Spcnet Thread 2 (Chapters 10-21)
Notes: The second spcnet thread was translated by Abhay, primarily using online translating tools.

13. The Smiling Proud Wanderer (笑傲江湖) (Wiki)
COMPLETE LannyLand / Spcnet Thread

14. The Deer and the Cauldron / Duke of Mount Deer (鹿鼎記) (Wiki)
IN PROGRESS Spcnet Thread ( unabridged thread, has no comments but is not up to date )
COMPLETE Official English Edition Book 1 / Book 2 / Book 3
Notes: The Official English Translations are very difficult to get a hold of. They are out of print and are pretty expensive. I was able to obtain them, but in my opinion, they're not worth the price. Not only is the translation only okay, but the story is very abridged.

15. * Sword of the Yue Maiden (越女劍) (Wiki)
COMPLETE ErrantCluster
Notes: This was Jin Yong's final wuxia work. Unlike his other works, this one is a short story.

Lists of other Wuxia Translations

So far I really only enjoy Jin Yong's wuxia. I'm not a fan of Gu Long, nor a few other short works I read. But other author's works have been translated and you might be interested. These links will help you find English translated wuxia by other authors, such as Gu Long or Huang Yi.

Spcnet Translation Links - The second post in the thread starts a good list of translated wuxia work.
Wuxia Society - This place also hosts translation projects. You can wade through this section.

http://www.spcnet.tv/readingrooms/default.php - This is a well formatted list of translated wuxia work.

Spcnet Translations - This is pretty much the definitive collection of English translated wuxia, but it'll take a while to wade through everything.

http://wuxiapedia.com/ - I enjoy the layout of this site. Although it seems like it's no longer active, I prefer reading stuff from over here to other sites.

If you've run out of stuff to read and still have an wuxia itch, you can give the dramas a try. You can find torrents over at d-addicts. I've personally watched and enjoyed Demi Gods and Semi Devils 2003 and Legend of Condor Heroes 2003. I did not enjoy Return of Condor Heroes 2006.

Sword of the Yue Maiden

2011-05-01T09:27:00.001-07:00

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*** Originally translated by an anonymous translator at qiqi.com (http://qiqi.com/cgi-bin/bk2.pl?fd1=book&fd2=wx&fd3=jinyong&in=jy02). I changed the proper nouns to pinyin (personal preference) and tried my hand at some editing (mainly the grammar but also some localization.) The anonymous translator also included an introduction and background essay, which I've retained. This is a Chinese martial arts fantasy story by the internationally renowned author Jīn Yōng. You can find more of his translated works at http://errantcluster.blogspot.com/2011/05/list-of-jin-yongs-wuxia-in-english.html. ***

- Background -

Liveried: Wearing a livery, which in this case is distinctive clothing worn by retainers.

Qi: Chi; Chakra; Internal energy.

This is the only short story written by Jīn Yōng. Because of its short length, you can't really see Jīn Yōng's full talent at story-telling. However, this translation can give you some idea of what a martial arts story is like. My clumsy translation can't really do the original justice, but I hope I have stirred your interest enough that you'll go out there and find out more about Chinese culture, history, and legend. It may not be easy, but I assure you, what you find will never be dull.

This story is based on real historical events that occurred during the 5th century B.C. It's a period between what's known as the Spring and Autumn period and the Warring Kingdoms period. China was yet to be united under the First Emperor. The so-called Hàn race didn't exist yet. China was divided into big and small kingdoms, dukedoms, and counties which warred with each other constantly.

It all started when the king of Chǔ slept with his son's fiancee. Bad move for any era. The king feared that his son would turn against him. His fear was fanned into action by the allegations of an ambitious minister who wanted to destroy the crown prince's faction. The resulting purge destroyed many clans and families. One of the family, almost peripheral to the whole thing, was the House of Wǔ. The youngest son, Wǔ Zǐ Xū, escaped and vowed bloody vengeance.

After a long and dangerous journey through several kingdoms unwilling to help, he arrived at the newly founded kingdom of Wú (No, the Chinese characters for the Wú in Wǔ Zǐ Xū is actually different from the character for Wú in the Wú kingdom). He helped Prince Hé Lǘ assassinate his cousin the king in a convoluted power struggle. Then he built up the kingdom of Wú from a barely civilized kingdom to a modern kingdom with the best trained army in the known world. Sun Tzu, who wrote the immortal Art of War, served in Wú at this time.

When Wǔ Zǐ Xū was ready, he managed to convince King Hé Lǘ to invade Chǔ. At the time Chǔ was a superpower and Wú was an upstart kingdom, but the upstart kingdom managed to utterly destroy Chǔ's army. Unfortunately, Wǔ Zǐ Xū's vengeance was hollow. The object of his vengeance had already died several years ago. In his rage, Wǔ Zǐ Xū exhumed the body of the dead king and flogged it until it fell to pieces.

The kingdom of Wú proved itself incapable of absorbing the far larger kingdom of Chǔ, so Wǔ Zǐ Xū had to take his army back to Wú. Then Hé Lǘ began a series of wars to establish hegemony over the rest of China. During one of those wars he ran into the kingdom of Yuè. The Yuè people were even more primitive than Wú was a few decades before, but they were great fighters. They were ruled by King Gōu Jiàn. In a pitched battle, King Hé Lǘ was struck by a poison arrow and died.

Hé Lǘ's son Fū Chā became king. He was intent on avenging his father. A personal guard was ordered to remind him of this fact periodically by saying, "Fū Chā, did you forget to avenge the death of your father?" Fū Chā eventually rallied his army and destroyed the army of Yuè. King Gōu Jiàn became a prisoner of Fū Chā for several years. However, Fū Chā was not a brutal man. Instead of annexing the kingdom of Yuè and turning Gōu Jiàn into a slave, he released Gōu Jiàn after extracting an oath of fealty from the king of Yuè.

Unfortunately, that gesture of mercy was completely lost on King Gōu Jiàn. Gōu Jiàn, like Wǔ Zǐ Xū and Fū Chā before him, was possessed by a burning desire to avenge the wrongs done him.

Gōu Jiàn hired two wise men from the kingdom of Chǔ. One of them was Fàn Lí, the other was Wén Zhǒng. The two began to build up the barbaric kingdom of Yuè so one day their king could challenge the power of Wú. Many legends are associated with this period of history. One of the legends was the legend of the Yuè Maiden.

- The Sword of the Yuè Maiden -

"After you."

"After you."

The two swordsmen turned the points of their blades downward. With their right palms grasping their sword hilts and their left palms covering the back of their right hands, they bowed deeply to each other in a warrior's salute.

Before they fully raised from their bows, there was a sudden flash of white, followed by the sound of clanging. The two swordsmen each retreated one step as the audience gave out a soft cry.

The swordsman in blue slashed three times; the liveried swordsman blocked each slash. The swordsman in blue shouted and slashed his sword from his upper left straight downward. The slash was powerful and fast, but the liveried swordsman was too agile to be caught. A simple jump got him out of the way, his body barely bobbed after his left foot touched the ground. He immediately followed with two slashes. The swordsman in blue stood still with a grim smile as he lightly moved his sword to block the attacks.

The liveried swordsman suddenly began running around the swordsman in blue. He ran faster and faster. The swordsman in blue merely stared at the point of his enemy's sword. He was ready to strike if that point ever moved to attack. The liveried swordsman would run in one direction, then the other. The swordsman in blue started to feel a bit dizzy and yelled, "Are you fighting or running for your life!?" But the liveried swordsman continued running. The swordsman in blue attempted to cut him down a few times, but his sword always fell short.

The swordsman in blue pulled his sword back to the side of his body and slightly lowered his right leg. The liveried swordsman thought he saw an opening and lunged at the swordsman in blue's left shoulder, but the swordsman in blue was merely luring his enemy. His sword circled into a direct thrust at the liveried swordsman's throat. The thrust was too fast to be avoided. Surprised, the liveried swordsman threw his sword toward the heart of his enemy, hoping to force the swordsman to abort his attack in order to save his life.

But the swordsman in blue didn't attempt to defend himself. With a quick thrust of his arm, the point of his sword entered the liveried swordsman's throat. The liveried swordsman's thrown sword bounced off the swordsman in blue's chest with a loud clang and fell to the ground. The swordsman in blue laughed coldly and pulled his sword back. He was wearing a round plate of iron over his chest, just under his garments, so the sword did him no harm. The liveried swordsman's throat spurted blood and his body convulsed. Servants stepped in to remove the body and began to wipe up the blood on the ground.

The swordsman in blue sheathed his sword. He stepped forward and bowed toward the north of the hall where the king sat. The king wore a purple robe and had a strange appearance: His neck was excessively long and his mouth was as sharp as a bird's beak. He smiled and announced, in a croaking voice, "The victor has wonderful skill with the sword. Award him ten pounds of gold." The swordsman in blue knelt down on his right knee and bowed, "Thank you for the reward." The king waved his left hand. An official on his right shouted, "Swordsmen of Wú and swordsmen of Yuè, second contest!"

From the east end of the hall, another liveried swordsman walked out from his group. This man was tall of stature and held a great sword. The sword was nearly four feet in length with an extremely thick blade, the sword was obviously quite heavy. From the west end of the hall, another swordsman in blue walked out. He was of medium height and his face was crisscrossed by at least twelve or thirteen sword scars to the point where it no longer looked human. He must have fought hundreds of battles with countless swordsmen. The two swordsmen knelt to the king, then they saluted each other.

The swordsman in blue straightened his body and smiled. His scarred face made the smile seem ugly and cruel. The tall swordsman shivered, then sighed deeply and held his sword with both hands.

Suddenly, the swordsman in blue howled madly like a wolf and thrusted his sword. The tall swordsman cried, lifted his great sword and sliced down towards his opponent's head. The swordsman in blue dodged while his sword made a slash from left to right. The tall swordsman lifted the great sword and whirled, making a noise like a great wind. The great weight of the sword didn't slow him down in the slightest.

The two made thirty passes at each other. The swordsman in blue couldn't oppose the weight of his opponent's sword. He kept retreating. All the other liveried swordsman began to show hope on their faces as they anticipated their side to win at last.

Then the tall swordsman made a great cry like the sound of a thunderclap and made a horizontal slice with his great sword. The swordsman in blue couldn't avoid it. He could only block it with his own sword with all his strength. Clang! The two swords met. The great sword broke and half of the blade flew away. The swordsman in blue wielded a far sharper sword. Then the swordsman in blue made a vertical cut which opened up the tall swordsman from throat to crotch. The tall swordsman howled and kept on howling as he fell to the ground. The swordsman in blue regarded his fallen opponent for a while before returning his sword to the sheath. Then he knelt toward the king. His face couldn't disguise his joy of victory.

The official said, "The victor's skill with the sword is impressive. Award him ten pounds of gold." The swordsman in blue bowed in thanks. There were only eight swordsmen in blue. They were badly outnumbered compared to the fifty liveried swordsmen standing at the east side of the hall. The official said, "Swordsmen of Wú and swordsmen of Yuè, third contest!" Again, one swordsman from each walked to the center of the hall. The sword of the swordsman in blue trembled and shone like bright silk. The official exclaimed, "Good sword!" The swordsman in blue thanked him for his praise. The official then said, "We have seen one-to-one contests twice. This time, two against two!"

Two more swordsmen entered the arena. Like those before them, the four swordsmen saluted the king first before saluting each other. Then their swords flashed as the combat began. This time, each of the two swordsmen on the same side needed to reinforce each other. After a few passes, a liveried swordsmen's sword was cut in half by his enemy's sword.

This liveried swordsman was very courageous. He held up his broken sword and jumped toward his enemy. His opponent's sword flashed and cut away not only his right arm, but his right shoulder. Then the sword impaled his heart. The other pair was still fighting. The victorious swordsman in blue watched for a while, then his sword flashed. Again, the liveried swordsman's sword was cut into half, leaving him wide open. His opponent's sword entered his chest and exited his back.

The king laughed and clapped, "Excellent swords! Excellent sword skills! Award them wine and gold. Let us see one contest of four against four!" Four swordsmen from each side began combat. The swordsmen from the east side had already lost three contests. These four fought desperately with all their skills. Even if they lost their lives, they meant to win at least one contest. Two swordsmen in blue concentrated on one liveried swordsman. The other two swordsmen in blue defended them against the other three liveried swordsmen. They made no attempt to attack, all they did was prevent the other three liveried swordsmen from aiding their comrade, and their defense seemed impenetrable. The two attacking swordsmen in blue easily killed their lone opponent. Then they repeated their tactic again and killed another liveried swordsman.

The other liveried swordsmen watching the competition saw the death of their comrades. They drew their swords, ready to aid their comrades and chop the swordsmen in blue to bits.

The official cried out in a clear voice, "Those who've learned the way of the sword, must obey the laws of the sword!"

His voice was authoritative. The liveried swordsmen quieted down. By now everyone could see that the swordsmen in blue used different styles of sword skills: The two who defended specialized in defense; The two who attacked specialized in attack. The attackers always outnumbered their victim because the defenders watched their back. They could even win against six, or maybe even eight, opponents because the swords of the two defenders formed a sword net which could easily handle five or even six swordsmen at once.

The two defenders had cornered a liveried swordsman so he was virtually neutralized while the two attackers already killed the third liveried swordsman. The two defenders moved left and right and watched for more enemies while the two attackers began on the lone swordsman. Even though the liveried swordsman had no hope of winning, he still didn't throw down his sword and admit defeat. Suddenly the four swordsmen in blue shouted loudly and their four swords impaled the liveried swordsman from four directions.

The liveried swordsman died immediately, but his eyes and mouth opened as wide as round saucers. The four swordsmen in blue pulled out their swords at the same time. The four wiped their swords off on the soles of their shoes, then they returned their swords back into the sheath. Their movements were completely synchronized.

The king laughed and clapped his hands together again. "Excellent sword skill! The swordsmen of the Great Kingdom are truly invincible. Today is truly special to be treated to such a spectacle. Award each swordsman ten pounds of gold!" The four bowed in thanks. They all bowed at the same exact angle. No one knew how long they practiced to achieve such precision.

A swordsman in blue turned, picked up a long box covered in gold paint, turned towards the king and said, "Our king thanks the generous gifts of Your Majesty. His Majesty ordered us to return the favor with one precious sword. This sword is newly forged in our kingdom for the enjoyment of Your Majesty."

The king smiled. "Thank you. Minister Fàn, bring it over here."

The king was Gōu Jiàn, King of Yuè. The official was Fàn Lí, the royal advisor. The liveried swordsmen were the Royal Guards of Yuè. The eight swordsmen in blue were the messengers sent by Fū Chā, King of Wú. Years ago, Gōu Jiàn had been defeated by Fū Chā and now he waited for a chance to get his revenge. While he was submissive to the Kingdom of Wú on the surface, he secretly trained soldiers in preparation for an attack on Wú. In order to test the skill of Wú warriors, he sent out the best of his swordsmen. He did not expect that the Wú swordsmen would easily kill eight of his finest swordsmen. He was shocked and angry, but he showed none of it. Instead, he praised the sword skills of the Wú swordsmen and showed his heartfelt admiration.

Fàn Lí took the long golden box. The box felt very light, as though it were empty. He opened up the cover. Before the other people in the hall could see what was in the box, Fàn Lí's face was illuminated by a faint blue light. Everyone cried in surprise.

Fàn Lí took the box to Gōu Jiàn and bowed, "Please look, Your Majesty." Gōu Jiàn saw that the box was lined with red silk. The sword inside had a very thin blade. The light it reflected flowed on its surface like water. Gōu Jiàn cried, "Excellent sword!"

Gōu Jiàn grasped the hilt and lifted up the sword. The blade trembled slightly, almost as though he could break the blade with a flick of his wrist. "The sword blade is too thin. It might look good, but it has no practical use," Gōu Jiàn silently thought.

The leader of the swordsmen in blue took out a piece of gauze from his pocket and threw it into the air. "Please, Your Majesty, point the edge of the sword upward so it will meet this falling gauze. You will see that this sword is not as it looks." The thin gauze fell upon the edge of the sword, but the gauze didn't stop falling. It kept falling, as two separate gauzes. The people on the hall cheered.

The swordsman in blue further explained, "This blade might be thin, but it will not break even if it blocks a heavy weapon."

Gōu Jiàn said, "Minister Fàn, try it."

"Yes," nodded Fàn. He walked in front of a liveried swordsman, took out the sword and said, "Let's try it. Draw." The liveried swordsman bowed and drew his sword, but he didn't dare to strike. Fàn Lí cried, "Strike!"
The swordsman cut downward, Fàn Lí met it with his sword. The blade of the liveried swordsmen was cut into two pieces. Before one of the pieces flew into him, Fàn Lí dodged with great agility. The people inside the hall cheered. Were they cheering the sharpness of the blade, or the agility of Fàn?

Fàn Lí placed the sword back in the box and put the box next to the feet of the king. Gōu Jiàn said, "Swordsmen of the Great Kingdom, you are invited to the next hall for a feast and awards for the contest." The eight swordsmen in blue bowed and left the hall. When Gōu Jiàn waved his hand, all the swordsmen, servants, and ministers left. Except for Fàn Lí.

Gōu looked from the sword to the blood on the ground and asked, "What you do think?"

Fàn Lí answered, "Not all the Wú soldiers are as good as these eight. Not all swords wielded by them are as sharp as this one. But from this small example, we can see the rest. The most terrifying aspect is their technique of group fighting. They used the methods of Sūn Wǔ (Sun Tzu). I believe that they currently have no match in the world."

Gōu Jiàn nodded, "Fū Chā sent these eight just to give me this sword. What does he have in mind?"

Fàn Lí answered, "He wanted to show us the difficulty of achieving vengence."

Gōu Jiàn became angry. He took up the sword and made a backhand stroke. The stroke cut halfway through the back of his chair. "Even if the difficulty is one thousand, ten thousand times greater than this, Gōu Jiàn will not retreat from his goal! One day, I will capture Fū Chā, king of Wú, and cut off his head with his own sword!" he shouted. Another stroke of the sword split the chair in half.

Fàn Lí bowed and said, "Congratulations, Your Majesty."

Gōu replied, in surprise, "After seeing the ability of the Wú swordsmen, what's there to congratulate me about?"

Fàn Lí said, "As long as Your Majesty has the determination, anything can be accomplished. Concerning this difficulty, I must discuss it with Minister Wén."

Gōu Jiàn nodded. "Good, summon Minister Wén." Fàn Lí left the palace and ordered the palace servant to summon Minister Wén Zhǒng. Wén Zhǒng shortly arrived on a speedy horse, then the two walked back into the palace.

Fàn Lí was originally a native of Wǎn, in the Kingdom of Chǔ. He was not a man concerned with the details of etiquette and he often did things no one else expected. People of his homeland called him "Fàn the Crazy." When Wén Zhǒng came to be the magistrate of Wǎn, he heard of the Fàn Lí's reputation. He sent subordinates to summon Fàn. The subordinates said, "That Fàn is the famous crazy man of this land. Nothing he does makes any sense." Wén Zhǒng smiled, "When a man tries to do something different, other people always say that he is mad. When a man has a superior opinion, the common of wit will call it stupid. How can you understand Master Fàn?" So Wén Zhǒng went to visit Fàn himself, but Fàn avoided him. Fàn expected that Wén would not give up so easily, so he borrowed some proper clothes from his brother. When Wén came back, Fàn was ready. The two talked and found that they had much in common.

They both felt the kingdoms were weak. The kingdom of Chǔ was large, but chaotic. The only kingdoms which could rise to command the rest were located in the southeast. Wén Zhǒng resigned his position and went to the kingdom of Wú with Fàn Lí. At the time, the king of Wú's favorite was Wǔ Zǐ Xū. The two lived in the capital for a few months and saw that Wǔ Zǐ Xū was indeed a wise man. They were not necessarily better than him.

After some discussion, they decided that although Yuè was a smaller kingdom, they could put their talents to better use there. Gōu Jiàn received them warmly and gave them both high positions.

Then Gōu Jiàn ignored the advice of Wén Zhǒng and declared war on the kingdom of Wú. His army was defeated near the shore of Qián Táng River. Gōu Jiàn was surrounded at Kuanì Jī Mountain and would have died with his kingdom, but he listened to Fàn Lí and Wén Zhǒng's advice and bribed the Prime Minister of Wú. Shortly after, Fū Chā listened to his Prime Minister instead of the wiser Wǔ Zǐ Xū's advice and agreed to a peace treaty. Gōu Jiàn lived in Wú as a hostage for a few years before being released. After that, Gōu Jiàn slept only on beds made of thorny branches and often drank the bitter juice of beef gall bladders to remind himself of the humiliations he suffered. He used Wén Zhǒng's Nine Methods to subvert Wú and strengthen Yuè.

The Nine Methods were:

One: Pay respect to the gods and spirits.

Two: Give Fū Chā vast amounts of money to make him feel secure and to soften him through luxury.

Three: Borrow food from Wú and return seeds which would not grow, causing famine in Wú.

Four: Give Fū Chā beautiful women, such as Xī Shī and Zhèng Dàn, so that Fū Chā would pay more attention to the beautiful women than the affairs of the kingdom.

Five: Give Fū Chā engineers so he would build expensive palaces that would drain the kingdom's economy.

Six: Bribe the ministers of Wú.

Seven: Distance Fū Chā from his wise ministers. (The wise Wǔ Zǐ Xū was eventually forced to commit suicide as punishment for a false charge of treason.)

Eight: Hoard food so the kingdom of Yuè would have a great reserve available.

Nine: Make weapons, train soldiers, and wait for the chance to rebel.

Eight methods had succeeded, but they had run into great difficulty with the ninth. Everyone could tell that the eight warriors of Wú were better than anyone Yuè could produce. Fàn Lí told Wén Zhǒng the results of the contest. Wén Zhǒng frowned, "Brother Fàn, the sharpness of their swords is a major problem. Also, the way their swordsmen worked together in groups... it's in accordance to Sūn Wǔ (Sun Tzu)'s Art of War."

Fàn Lí replied, "Yes, decades ago, Sūn Wǔ (Sun Tzu) helped the king of Wú. They destroyed Chǔ, the most powerful kingdom in the world at the time. In his book it's said, 'If I concentrate my forces and the enemy's forces is fragmented into ten parts, then I can use my unified one to attack each of his ten fragments. Then I will outnumber my enemy and the battle will be over.' Wú used this principle to achieve superiority against our swordsmen."

As they talked, they arrived in front of Gōu Jiàn. Gōu Jiàn was staring at the gifted sword. After a long while, Gōu Jiàn lifted up his head and said, "Minister Wén, years ago Wú had a husband and wife team of swordsmiths, Gàn Jiàng and Mò Yé. Yuè had Ōu Yě Zǐ. Now, all three have died. Wú still has great swordsmiths, yet we have no one to succeed Ōu Yě Zǐ."

Wén Zhǒng said, "I have heard that Ōu Yě Zǐ had two students. One is named Fēng Hú Zi, the other is called Xuē Zhú. Fēng Hú Zi is in the kingdom of Chǔ. Xuē is still in Yuè."

Gōu became glad and said, "Summon him. And order someone to go to Chǔ with gold so we can get Fēng Hú Zi here as well."

The next morning, Wén Zhǒng reported that he sent someone to Chǔ. Meanwhile, Xuē Zhú had already arrived. Gōu Jiàn granted Xuē an audience and said, "Your master Ōu Yě Zǐ once forged five swords under my father's orders. How do you grade those five swords?"

Xuē quickly replied, "I've heard my master say that he forged five swords for the King: Three large swords and two small swords. They are Trembling Reed, Pure Edge, Defeater of Evil, Fish Intestine, and Great Tower. Trembling Reed is now in Chǔ while Defeater of Evil and Fish Intestine are in Wú. Your Majesty still has Pure Edge and Great Tower." Years before, Prince Hé Lǘ of Wú heard of the swords and asked Gōu Jiàn's father for some of them. Gōu Jiàn's father feared the might of Wú and gave Hé Lǘ Trembling Reed, Defeater of Evil, and Fish Intestine. Using Fish Intestine, Hé Lǘ assassinated his cousin, the king, and took the throne. Trembling Reed was lost in a river and later found by the king of Chǔ. The King of Qín heard of this and asked for it. Even after a few wars, the king of Chǔ still refused to give it up. "My master said that of the five swords, Defeater of Evil is of the highest grade. Pure Edge and Trembling Reed are next. Fish Intestine is lower and Great Tower ranks last. When Great Tower was forged, the alloy was not pure, so it was only a sharp sword and not a truly precious sword."

"So," Gōu Jiàn asked, "Are you saying my Pure Edge and Great Tower are not as good as Fū Chā's Defeater of Evil and Fish Intestine?"

Xuē dared not admit that Gōu Jiàn's swords was inferior, but Gōu Jiàn knew the answer anyway.

Fàn Lí broke the silence. "You have the skill of your master. You can forge a few swords of your own, they might not be inferior to those owned by Wú."

Xuē shook his head. "I cannot forge swords anymore."

"Why not?" asked Fàn Lí.

He sadly answered, "Thumbs and index fingers are required for forging swords. I am a cripple." Xuē held up his hands. On both his hands, the thumb and the index fingers were gone.

Gōu Jiàn quickly asked, "Did your enemy cut off your fingers?"

"No, my fellow student did it," replied Xuē.

"Your fellow student?" Gōu Jiàn asked, "You mean Fēng Hú Zi? Why did he do it? Ah! It must be you're better than him, so he cut your fingers off in jealousy!"

Xuē remained silent.

"I was thinking about inviting Fēng from Chǔ, but now I realize he won't come because he fears your vengeance," said Gōu Jiàn.

Xuē said, "Your Majesty is indeed wise, but Fēng is no longer in Chǔ. He is in Wú."

Ko Chiang was startled. "He... He's in Wú? What's he doing there?"

"Three years ago," Xuē explained, "Fēng came to my home and brought out a precious sword for me to inspect. I was astounded. That sword was Flowing Fabric, forged by my master for Chǔ. The blade was covered in runes that flowed like water. I heard from my master that he forged three swords for Chǔ. That was one, the others were Dragon Spring and Peace."

"Then," Gōu Jiàn interrupted, "The king of Chǔ must have given it to Fēng."

"Indirectly," Xuē said. "Fēng said that after the army of Wú destroyed the capital of Chǔ, Wǔ Zǐ Xū took the sword from the grave of the previous king. He'd heard of Fēng's skills, so when Wǔ Zǐ Xū returned to Wú he gave the sword to him as a gift. He said the sword was a legacy from our master and that Fēng was the rightful owner."

"Wǔ Zǐ Xū let the sword go? He is truly a great hero to let such a treasure go." Gōu Jiàn laughed. "Fortunately, Fū Chā has already taken care of him for me." Gōu Jiàn paused before asking, "What did Wǔ Zǐ Xū want in return from Fēng?"

"Wǔ Zǐ Xū merely said that he admired our master," Xuē answered. "Fēng felt grateful after he received the sword, so he went to Wú and thanked Wǔ Zǐ Xū in person. Wǔ Zǐ Xū treated him as an honored guest."

Gōu Jiàn nodded, "That's how he made people become loyal enough to die for him."

"Your Majesty is wise," Xuē said, "But Fēng didn't understand Wǔ Zǐ Xū's true intentions, so he asked again and again how he could repay the great favor done to him. Wǔ Zǐ Xū merely said he would not ask anything of an honored guest."

"The old fox!" exclaimed Gōu Jiàn.

Xuē said, "Fēng finally told Wǔ Zǐ Xū that his only skill was in forging swords. In return for Wǔ Zǐ Xū's favors, he told Wǔ Zǐ Xū he would forge a few precious swords for him."

Gōu slapped his thigh. "Got him!"

"But," Xuē continued, "Wǔ Zǐ Xū said the kingdom of Wú already had many precious swords and needed no more. Besides, the forging of a precious sword is a tremendous labor. Years ago, when Gàn Jiàng and Mò Yé were forging their sword, the sword refused to come into being until Mò Yé flung herself into the fire. Wǔ Zǐ Xū had no intention of repeating that kind of tragedy."

"He didn't want Fēng to forge swords for him? Strange," Gōu Jiàn thought out loud.

Xuē nodded. "Fēng was baffled too. Later, Wǔ Zǐ Xū visited him again. He explained that the army of Wú was almost capable of fighting with superpowers like the kingdoms of Qí and Jìn. Wú's warriors were courageous, but their skills in chariot warfare were inferior. Moreover, their swords and spears were not sharp enough. Fēng began discussing the techniques behind sword forging with Wǔ Zǐ Xū. In the end, what Wǔ Zǐ Xū wanted wasn't a few precious swords with mysterious powers, what he wanted was thousands and thousands of sharp swords."

Gōu Jiàn understood. He looked towards Fàn Lí and Wén Zhǒng. Worry filled Wén Zhǒng's face. Wén Zhǒng asked, "Minister Fàn, what do you think?"

"Even though Wǔ Zǐ Xū was crafty, he was not wise enough to escape Your Majesty's schemes," Fàn Lí answered.

Gōu Jiàn laughed, "I am afraid that I've never been Wǔ Zǐ Xū's match."

"Wǔ Zǐ Xū is already dead. What more can he do to threaten Yuè?" said Fàn Lí.

Gōu Jiàn laughed again. "True. Xuē Zhú, did Fēng finally begin forging swords?"

"Yes, he went to Mount Mò Gān where one thousand swordsmiths were already working. He corrected and improved their techniques. Every sword in Wú is now sharper than anything made in the other kingdoms," Xuē answered.

Gōu Jiàn nodded. "So that's why."

"After one year," Xuē continued, "Fēng became too fatigued to continue, so he gave Wǔ Zǐ Xū my name. Wǔ Zǐ Xū readied lavish gifts and asked Fēng to invite me to work for him as well. I remembered the hatred between Wú and Yuè. If Wú's sharp swords could kill the people of Qí and Jìn, they could also kill the people of my home, so I counseled Fēng not to return to Wú."

Gōu nodded in approval, "You have great foresight."

Xuē smiled. "Thank for your praise, Your Majesty, but he didn't listen to me. That night he slept in my home. In the middle of the night, he suddenly put his sword at my neck, then he chopped off four of my fingers so I could never again forge another sword."

Gōu Jiàn became angry. "If he falls into my hands, I'll grind him into meat paste!"

Wén Zhǒng looked concerned. "Master Xuē, even though you cannot forge swords by yourself, you can still teach our swordsmiths. We, too, can make as many sharp swords as the Wú swordsmiths."

Xuē shook his head. "Minister Wén, both Yuè and Wú produce the necessary iron needed for sword blades. And while Yuè also produces copper, Wú produces the zinc we'd need."

"Wǔ Zǐ Xū put an order to guard the zinc mines and forbade all private mining, right?" said Fàn Lí.

Xuē showed surprise on his face. "So you already know."

Fàn Lí smiled. "No, I was merely speculating. But now that he's dead, his orders may not be followed anymore. We should be able to purchase zinc if we're willing to pay for it..."

"But," Gōu Jiàn said, "A source of water far away cannot extinguish a nearby wildfire. By the time we gather all the materials, train the swordsmiths, and start production, at least two or three years will have passed. That's not even accounting for any setbacks along the way. If Fū Chā dies before we're ready, won't that be the greatest regret of our lives?"

Fàn Lí and Wén Zhǒng bowed deeply. "Yes, we will find another way."

Fàn Lí walked out of the palace thinking, "His Majesty can't wait two or three more years? I can't even wait one more day...." A dull pain came to his chest as he remembered the image of the unmatched beauty who could stun the world.

Her name was Xī Shī. She lived next to Huàn Shā River. She was a special woman who looked as though she had gathered all the beauty of the land of Yuè into her being. And Fàn Lí sent her away to the palace of Wú.

The road from the capital of Yuè to the capital of Wú was not long, only a few days by river, but that was long enough for love to grow beyond control. The white face of Xī Shī was full of pearl-like tears and her voice was soft as a whispering stream, "Shǎo Bó, promise me that you will come and get me as soon as possible. I will wait for you, day and night. Say that you will never forget me, forever and ever."

Vengeance against Wú could wait, as far as Fàn Lí was concerned, but Yí Guāng (his name for Xī Shī) was in the embrace of King Fū Chā. Love and jealousy gnawed at his heart. "I must find to way to make as many sharp swords as possible, even sharper than those wielded by the invincible Wú swordsmen..."

He walked aimlessly on the street. Eighteen armed guards followed him faithfully. They heard men loudly singing an Wú song.

"My sword is sharp! My enemy has no courage! My sword is sharp! My enemy has no head!" Eight men in blue, arm in arm, swaggered down the street, showing no concern for the pedestrians who were hurrying out of their way. They were the eight Wú swordsmen. They were obviously very drunk.

Fàn Lí frowned. He could feel his anger rising.

The eight swordsmen stopped in front of Fàn Lí. One of them looked sideways at him with drunken eyes. "You... you're Minister Fàn, right?" he asked before breaking into uncontrollable giggles. Two guards leaped in front of Fàn Lí and said, "Don't be so rude. Make way!"

The eight swordsmen merely laughed and mimicked their words. "Don't be so rude. Make way!"

Two guards pulled out their swords and cried, "By royal decree, those who dare interfere with Minister Fàn's welfare are to be executed!"

One of the Wú swordsman's body swayed as he asked, "Execute you or me?"

Fàn's mind was working. Those men were the subjects of Wú. Even though they were rude, his men could not afford to fight them. Before he could tell his guards to pull back, a bright sword flashed. One of the Wú swordsmen returned his sword into his sheath, his face full of gloating pride. Fàn Lí's guards pulled out their swords and surrounded the eight Wú swordsmen.

The leader raised his head and laughed. "We never planned to return to Wú alive anyway. Let's see how big an army you need to kill us!" With a shout, eight swords leapt out of their sheaths. Eight swordsmen stood back to back, forming a circle.

Fàn Lí thought, "If one can not endure small slights, then one will never achieve great things." He shouted, "These eight are ambassadors from the Great Kingdom. Don't treat them with ill manners. Fall Back!" Then he retreated to the side of the street. His guards were angry enough to shoot fire from their eyes, but they dared not disobey him. They reluctantly retreated to the side of the street as well.

Suddenly, they heard the cries of a herd of goats. A young maiden dressed in a pale green robe was herding them down the street. The goats started to go around the eight Wú swordsmen. One swordsman, feeling cheated of a good fight, took his anger out on a goat and sliced it in half. The cut was so neat that even the nose of the goat was severed into two precisely equal parts. His seven friends cheered. Even Fàn Lí could not fault his sword skill.

The young maiden's bamboo stick moved and herded the rest of goats behind her. "Why did you kill my goat?" she demanded. The voice was feminine and clear, but it also contained anger.

The goat killer swung his sword in air a few times and laughed, "Little girl, I will cut you into half just like this goat!"

"Young Miss, please come over here. They're drunk!" Fàn Lí cried.

The maiden ignored Fàn Lí. "Even if you're drunk, that's no excuse to behave rudely."

The swordsman's sword circled above her head. "I was thinking of cutting off your head, but now I see you're quite pretty, I changed my mind. I have a different idea now..." His seven friends laughed again.

Fàn Lí looked at her. She had an oval face, long eyelashes and clear, white skin. Her face was pretty and her body was slender, even seemingly frail. He cried again, "Young Miss, over here."

The Wú swordsman's sword reached out toward her belt. "Why don't you..." Before he could finish, the maiden's bamboo stick flickered and stabbed his wrist. The swordsman felt the sudden pain on his wrist and dropped his sword. The bamboo stick shot upward, stabbing the swordsman's right eye. The swordsman screamed as he covered his blinded eye.

Although the maiden's movements were simple, the Wú swordsman could not avoid or even block her bamboo stick. The other seven swordsmen were very surprised. One of them pulled back his sword and thrusted it toward the maiden's right eye. As the sword sped forward, everyone could hear a loud whoosh, revealing the strength behind the thrust. The maiden didn't even move her feet. Her bamboo stick flickered again. This time she stabbed the swordsman's shoulder. The stab was so fast that even though it started after his thrust, it arrived well before the thrust could reach her. The swordsman cried out in pain as all the strength went out of his thrust. Then the maiden's wrist flicked and the bamboo stick went into his right eye. The swordsman screamed like a butchered pig as his two fists waved aimlessly.

The maiden made four moves and two Wú swordsmen were disabled. Even though she moved too fast to be seen clearly, the technique she used was clearly derived from some sort of high sword skill. Fàn Lí was both surprised and gladdened, but now he saw that the maiden had to face six Wú swordsmen. He hurriedly said, "Swordsmen of Wú! It would be bad for the honor of Wú if the six of you gang up on a defenseless girl. Even if you win with you superior numbers..." He clapped his hands together. His guards leaped into the street and surrounded the girl and Wú swordsmen.

The maiden smiled. "Six of them still isn't enough." She slightly rose her left hand. The bamboo stick in her right hand thrusted toward yet another swordsman's eye. She moved her stick and stabbed towards another swordsman's chest. Three swords sped toward her. She gracefully avoided all three swords, then she counterattacked. One swordsman was stabbed on the wrist and lost his hold on his sword.

Fàn Lí's guard was ready to leap into battle, but they could not penetrate the sword net formed by the Wú swordsmen. The maiden moved between the six swordsmen. Her long sleeves and long belt waved in the wind beautifully. Then the cries of pain came from one after another Wú swordsmen as their swords dropped to the ground. The fight was over. Each of the Wú swordsmen lost an eye. Some lost the right eye, some lost the left eye.

The maiden pulled back her bamboo stick. "You killed my goat. Now compensate me."

The Wú swordsmen were angry and scared. Some were roaring in fury. Some were shivering in fear. These eight were battle-hardened veterans. Ordinarily they would not lose control of their demeanor even if someone cut of both of their hands, but what happened to them was so beyond their comprehension that they had no idea how they should act.

The maiden sternly said, "If you don't compensate me for my goat, I will take your other eyes." The Wú swordsmen jumped back involuntarily.

Fàn Lí interrupted, "Miss, I will give you one hundred goats, but let these eight men leave."

The maiden smiled. "You're a nice man. I don't want one hundred goats. I only want one."

Fàn Lí said to a guard, "Accompany the ambassadors from the Great Kingdom back to the palace. Summon the physicians to treat their wounds." The eight Wú swordsmen left crestfallen, like cocks who had lost a fight.

Fàn Lí walked toward the maiden. "Young Miss, may I have the honor of your respected surname?"

"What did you say?" she asked.

He rephrased the question, "What's your name?"

"Oh, my name's A'Qīng. What's yours?"

Fàn Lí smiled and thought, "So she's just a simple country girl unversed in courtly manners. Yet... she learned this godlike sword skill. I only have to learn who her master is, then I can invite him to train the Yuè warriors. Wú will not be able to stand against us." His heart warmed as he realized that he was closer to bringing Xī Shī back. "I am called Fàn Lí. Young Miss, why don't you have a meal in my home?"

A'Qīng shook her head. "Sorry. I have to herd the goats to pasture."

"I have a large lawn in my home," said Fàn Lí. "Your goats can feed there, then I will compensate you with ten fat goats."

A'Qīng clapped her hands together and laughed. "You have a big lawn? Good, but I don't want any goats from you. You didn't kill this goat." She knelt to the ground and petted the dead goat. Then she sadly said, "Old White, bad men killed you. I can't save you this time."

"Sew the body back together and bury it next to this lady's house," Fàn Lí ordered a guard.

A'Qīng stood up. Her face was stained by tears, but her eyes was happy. "Fàn Lí, you won't let them eat Old White?"

"Of course not," said Fàn Lí. "That's your Old White. No one is permitted to eat him."

A'Qīng sighed. "You're nice. I hate letting other people kill my goats so they can eat them, but mother said that if we don't sell our goats, we won't have money for rice."

Fàn Lí smiled. "From now on, I will ask people to send your mother rice and good clothes. You don't have to sell your goats anymore."

A'Qīng became happy and hugged Fàn Lí. "You're a good man."

Fàn Lí held her hand, afraid that she might disappear like some immortal from legend. The goats followed them back to his mansion.

As A'Qīng herded her goats into the mansion she commented, "Your house is so large! How can you live here alone?"

Fàn Lí smiled at her. "Yes, I think this house is too big for me. Why don't you come live here with your mother? Who else do you have in your family?"

"It's just me and my mom. I don't know if my mom wants to come. She always says that I shouldn't talk to strange men, but you're a good man. You won't harm us."

Fàn Lí told A'Qīng to leave the goats in the garden and ordered his servants to bring out the best snacks for A'Qīng. The servants watched in horror as the goats devoured the expensive flowers in the garden. They were even more horrified when they observed their master watching the destruction with a happy smile. A'Qīng ate the pastries and drank the tea. Fàn Lí talked with her and discovered that she was innocent of the intrigues of the world. Finally he asked, "A'Qīng, who taught you your sword skills?"

A'Qīng's large, clear eyes opened wider. "Sword skill? No one ever taught me anything like that."

Fàn Lí realized he had to be more specific. "The way you used that bamboo stick. That's sword skill. Who taught that to you?"

A'Qīng shook her head. "No one. I've always known how to play with the bamboo stick."

Fàn Lí knew she was too innocent to lie. He asked her, "So you've known how to play with this bamboo since you were a child?"

A'Qīng thought for a moment. "No. When I was thirteen, Grandpa White came to ride my goats. I wouldn't let him and scared him away with my bamboo stick. He returned with a bamboo stick. Then I fought with him. At first, he always scored hits on me and I couldn't score hits on him. We played this everyday. Now, I score hits on him most of the time and he can't score hits on me. He isn't coming back as often now."

Fàn thought he finally found what he was looking for and asked, "Where does this Grandpa White live? Can you take me to him?"

"He lives in the mountains. You can't find him, he usually comes and finds me. I've never tried to find him," A'Qīng answered.

"I want to meet him. Is there a way?"

"Hmm... You can follow me to pasture. We can wait for him on the mountain side. I don't know when he'll show though." She sighed. "I haven't seen him for a while now."

Fàn Lí thought, "This is for Yí Guāng and the kingdom of Yuè. A little goat herding won't hurt." So he said, "Good, I'll accompany you and wait for Grandpa White." He thought, "Grandpa White must be the sword sage who taught this girl. He must have loved her youth and innocence, so he taught her through play. If he could make a young girl into such a great master, then he can surely give our warriors the ability to destroy Wú."

After the meal, Fàn Lí followed her to the mountain pastures. His subordinates didn't understand the reason. They were all baffled. Day after day, Fàn Lí went with A'Qīng to herd goats and sing songs, waiting for Grandpa White.

On the fifth day, Wén Zhǒng came to Fàn Lí's mansion and found a very worried chamberlain. Wén Zhǒng asked, "I haven't seen Minister Fàn for a few days now. The King is worried and ordered to me to visit. Did Minister Fàn come down sick?"

The chamberlain said, "Minister Fàn is healthy, but... but..."

"But?"

"Minister Wén is the best friend of Minister Fàn. You can say things to him that are not appropriate for us to say. Why don't you try to talk some sense into him?"

Wén Zhǒng was baffled. "Sense? What's wrong with Minister Fàn?"

"Minister Fàn fell love with a little shepherdess. Every morning he leaves with her and doesn't return until after sundown. He won't permit any guards following him. He won't be bothered! Even when I have urgent affairs!"

Wén Zhǒng laughed and thought, "When Brother Fàn was living in the kingdom of Chǔ, everyone called him Fàn the Crazy. He never does things like other people."

At that moment, Fàn Lí was sitting on a mountain side grassland and telling A'Qīng the story of the goddess Xiāng Fēi. A'Qīng was sitting close to him and was listening intently; her large bright eyes never left his face. She abruptly asked, "Is Xiāng Fēi really that beautiful?"

Fàn Lí nodded. "Her eyes are clearer and brighter than the water in this mountain stream..."

"Does she have fish in her eyes?" asked A'Qīng.

Fàn Lí continued. "Her skin is like a cloud, but fairer."

"Are there birds flying in that cloud?" asked A'Qīng.

Fàn Lí continued obliviously. "Her lips are softer than the petals of this flower and redder. Her lips are moist, even moreso than the dew drops on this petal. When Xiāng Fēi stands next to the river, the beauty of her reflection makes all the riverside flowers wilt in shame. Even fish dare not swim in the water for fear of ruining her reflection. When her white hand is dipped into the river, it was so soft that it could almost melt into the water..."

A'Qīng beamed a smile. "You saw her, didn't you. How else can you describe her so clearly?"

"I saw her," Fàn Lí nodded. "I saw her very, very clearly." Of course, he was referring to Xī Shī, not the goddess Xiāng Fēi.

He looked towards the north. His eyes looked past the wide, roaring river. Is the beauty in the royal palace of Wú? Is she with King Fū Chā? Is she thinking about me?

"Fàn Lí!" A'Qīng exclaimed, "Your beard is strange, can I touch it?"

"Is she crying or laughing?" thought Fàn Lí.

"Fàn Lí!" A'Qīng exclaimed, "You have two strands of white beard, just like my goats."

"When we parted, she wept on my shoulder. Her tears soaked half of my robe. I've never washed that robe. My tears were mingled with hers on that robe," thought Fàn Lí.

"Fàn Lí!" A'Qīng exclaimed. "Can I pull out one of your beard hairs? I'll pull gently, you won't feel a thing!"

"She said she loved riding in a boat and floating with the currents. When I bring her back, I'll leave my court position. I'll ride a boat with her, floating in rivers and lakes, for the rest of my life," thought Fàn Lí.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain on his chin. A'Qīng pulled out a strand of his beard, laughing prettily. The laugh abruptly stopped. "You're back!"

A green shadow flashed as A'Qīng shot forward. A green blur and a white blur were moving quickly around each other.

Fàn Lí happily shouted, "Grandpa White's here!" It took a while before the two combatants slowed down enough for him to get a good look. It was a huge surprise.

The one fighting A'Qīng wasn't human. It was a white ape.

The white ape, too, was holding a bamboo stick. The white ape performed intricate sword forms. The whooshing sound of the stick revealed the great strength it put into each form. But everytime he attacked, A'Qīng was always able to block or redirect the blow and counterattack using even more intricate sword forms.

When A'Qīng fought the Wú swordsmen, the forms she used were minimal. Only now could Fàn Lí witness the vast skill A'Qīng wielded. He was no expert in swords, but he had watched the Yuè swordsmen train for many years. He realized that the best swordsmen of Yuè were but children playing with toys when compared to A'Qīng and Grandpa White.

The white ape's attacks sped up faster and faster. A'Qīng slowed down instead. She stood still, but each time she thrusted her bamboo stick, the white ape was forced to jump back.

A'Qīng forced the white ape three steps, then she pulled back her stick and stood completely still. The white ape held his stick in two hands and jumped to attack. Fàn Lí saw the strength of the attack and cried out, "Watch out!" A'Qīng's stick moved too fast to be seen. There were two muffled sounds of impact, then the white ape's bamboo stick dropped to the ground. The white ape howled with pain and jumped up onto a treebranch. Then it leapt away. The howl was intense, but faded as the ape went further. The howl reverberated long after the white ape was gone.

A'Qīng turned back and sighed. "Grandpa broke both of his arms. Now he won't come play with me anymore."

"You broke his arms?" Fàn asked increduously.

A'Qīng nodded, "Grandpa was very angry today. Three times, he tried to leap over and kill you."

Fàn Lí said, in surprise, "Kill me? Why?"

A'Qīng shook her head, "I don't know."

Fàn Lí was secretly scared. "If A'Qīng didn't stop him, that white ape could have killed me as easily as blowing away a pile of ash!"

The next morning, Fàn Lí had A'Qīng face twenty of the best swordsmen of Yuè alone. Fàn Lí knew that A'Qīng could not teach other people how to use the sword the way she did, so the only way was for the Yuè swordsmen to imitate her.

The problem was no Yuè swordsmen could last even three passes from her. Whenever A'Qīng's bamboo stick moved, her opponent either lost his sword, or got stabbed in some delicate area.

The next day, she defeated thirty swordsmen. The third day, thirty more lost.

The fourth day, Fàn Lí went to ask her for another lesson, but he could not find her. He went to her home, but the house was empty. Fàn Lí sent hundreds of his servants and guards into the mountains to look for her, but no one could find any trace of her.

The eighty Yuè swordsmen didn't learn the ultimate sword skill from A'Qīng, but they saw the smallest portion of the smallest portion of it. All the swordsmen now knew the true heights swordsmanship could acheive. The eighty swordsmen tried to teach the small portion they could understand to their comrades. Even this pale shadow of a pale shadow of the ultimate skill was enough. The Yuè swordsmen became invincible.

Meanwhile, King Gōu Jiàn ordered Xuē Zhú to help forge thousands of sharp swords.

Three years later, Gōu Jiàn attacked Wú. The armies of Yuè and Wú met next to a lake. Five thousand Yuè swordsmen marched forward. Wú swordsmen met them. Yuè swords flashed and the Wú army was shattered.

King Fū Chā retreated to Yú Háng Mountain. The army of Yuè followed.

The second battle ensued. The Wú army was again defeated. Fū Chā committed suicide in order to avoid the cruel fate Gōu Jiàn had in store for him. Yuè took the capital of Wú.

Fàn Lí led one thousand swordsmen and rushed to King Fū Chā's resort palace, where Xī Shī lived. He ran into the palace, shouting, "Yí Guāng! Yí Guāng!"

As he ran past a long corridor, his footsteps echoed clearly, the corridor was hollow underneath. Xī Shī walked lightly, the rhythm of her steps was more enchanting than any music. Fū Chā built this palace, and this corridor in particular, in order to listen to the melody of her footsteps.

At the other end of the corridor, music came, like the sound of a happy mandolin and the clear sound of a zither. The soft voice said, "Shǎo Bó, is that really you?"

Fàn Lí felt blood rushing upward from his chest and shouted, "It's I! It's me! I've come for you!" His own voice seemed like the voice of a stranger, speaking from far away. He ran forward with uneven steps.

The music came down the corridor; a soft body entered his embrace.

The spring night was meltingly warm. Flower fragrance floated through the curtains, entering the chambers of the resort palace. Fàn Lí and Xī Shī talked about their longing for each other.

They suddenly became aware of the sound of a goat.

Fàn Lí smiled. "You couldn't forget you homeland? You have goats here?"

Xī Shī shook her head no. She wondered about the noise, but she couldn't concentrate on anything else in the presence of the man she loved. She held Fàn Lí's hand, and their hearts immediately beat faster.

Suddenly, the voice of a woman echoed the halls. "Fàn Lí! Bring out Xī Shī! I'll kill her!"

Fàn Lí stood up. Xī Shī felt his palm suddenly turn cold. Fàn Lí recognized A'Qīng's voice. Her voice came from outside of the resort palace.

Fàn Lí was scared and confused. "Why does she want to kill Yí Guāng? Yí Guāng had never wronged her." Then he understood. "She's not such a simple village girl after all. She liked me from the beginning." The understanding only made him more fearful.

He had gone through many, many difficult decisions as well as dangerous situations. The fear he felt when he was trapped with Gōu Jiàn in a Wú siege was far less than what he felt now. Xī Shī felt his palm trembling and covered with cold sweat.

Fàn Lí was not afraid of his own death, he feared for Xī Shī.

Fàn Lí pulled himself under control and said, "I need to go see her." He released Xī Shī's hand and walked out of the palace.

Eighteen swordsmen followed him. They all heard A'Qīng's cry. They were baffled and curious. Fàn Lí only saw the clear moonlight outside, but no one was visible. He cried out loudly, "Lady A'Qīng, please come here. We have things to talk about." But he heard no reply. He waited, but A'Qīng did not come. He ordered one thousand armored soldiers and one thousand elite swordsmen to be moved to the resort palace.

He returned to Xī Shī and held her hands again. He didn't say anything. He was scheming like he never schemed before. "Should I let one of the servant maids pretend to be Xī Shī and let A'Qīng kill her? Should I commit suicide before A'Qīng so she'll spare Xī Shī? Should I order two thousand archers surrounding this place and shoot A'Qīng full of arrows if she tries to force her way in?" Every plan he had was flawed. He didn't want to kill A'Qīng, who had made the destruction of Wú possible. He stared at Xī Shī. He felt warmth in his heart. "It's good that we'll die this way. At least we were able to spend some time together before we died. And we'll get to die together."

Hours passed. Xī Shī felt that Fàn's hand became warmer. He gradually lost his fear and began to smile.

The rising sun cast its rays through the window.

Suddenly the the sound of a fight came from outside the palace door. Then the incessant sound of weapons dropping to the ground. The sound drew closer and closer, like a giant serpent worming its way into the palace. Soon the sound of dropping weapons came from the walkways just outside the room they were in. Two thousand warriors were not enough to stop A'Qīng.

A'Qīng's voice clearly asked, "Fàn Lí, where are you?"

Fàn Lí calmly answered, "A'Qīng, I'm here."

Before he even finished the word "here", the curtain parted and a green shadow came flying in. A'Qīng, dressed in her usual green, stood before them. She pointed her bamboo stick at Xī Shī. As she stared intently at the face of Xī Shī, the killing rage on her face gradually disappeared. It was replaced with disappointment and self-pity, then with surprise and admiration, and finally, with worship. She whispered, "There... there really is such beauty under heaven! Fàn Lí, she is even more... more beautiful than you described." Her slender waist turned. With a cry, she flew up through the window. The cry became more and more distant until only its reverberation was left.

The surviving guards ran inside the room. One of them bowed. "Minister, are you all right?" Fàn Lí merely dismissed them with a wave of his hand. Then he held Xī Shī's hand and said, "Let's change into commoner's clothes. We'll row a boat upon Lake Tai and will never return to this place."

Happiness shone from Xī Shī's eyes. Suddenly she frowned and she reached toward her heart. A'Qīng's bamboo stick didn't touch her, but the pure qi from the stick had reached into her body and did her some slight harm.

Over the next two thousand years, everyone knew that the most beautiful sight in the history of the world was that of Xī Shī holding her hands in front of her bosom.

- The End -

You ask what became of them?

King Gōu Jiàn finally got his vengeance, but something had happened to him during all those years when the only emotion he could feel was hatred. Fàn Lí must have sensed it. He resigned his post and told his friend Wén Zhǒng to resign with him. He said, "Gōu Jiàn is someone who you can depend on during hard times, but it will be impossible to share good times with him." Wén Zhǒng didn't believe his old friend. He believed that he could finally enjoy the rewards he deserved.

Fàn Lí disappeared from history. Some said that he became a hermit. Some said that he became a merchant prince who had the wealth of kingdoms.

Xī Shī became to the East as Helen of Troy was to the West, the beauty who destroyed a great kingdom. Some say that Xī Shī ran away with Fàn Lí and they lived happily ever after. Some say that Xī Shī had died earlier when Gōu Jiàn's wife, fearing losing her husband, tied a rock to the woman's back and sank her in a lake, gloating, "Now, you never have to grow old." You can pick the ending you prefer.

Gōu Jiàn, as Fàn Lí predicted, became cruel and merciless. Wén Zhǒng was forced to commit suicide when he was wrongfully charged with treason; the end he inflicted upon Wǔ Zǐ Xū became his own end. Gōu Jiàn became full of pride and declared war with the great powers of northern China. The wars brought no decisive victory. Then he died. After his death, his kingdom fell apart. Eventually, Chǔ absorbed the territories of Wú and Yuè. The Yuè people fled south. Over the centuries, they were pushed further south by the expanding Chinese empire until they entered present day Vietnam, where they remain today.

Recently, an archaeological excavation in Húnán uncovered two bronze swords. One of them was thought to be the sword of Fū Chā, the other was thought to be the sword of Gōu Jiàn. The legends of the precious swords has some basis in fact. The swords Fish Intestine and Defeater of Evil were buried with King Hé Lǘ, Fū Chā's father. The locals swore that they periodically saw a white tiger standing upon the tomb of Hé Lǘ. The white tiger was the symbol of metal, so the locals believe that the tiger was the personification of the magic swords under there. You can choose to believe it or not.

As for the Yuè Maiden, she never existed in real history. She always existed in the land of legends and there, presumably, she roams still. Doubtlessly she has performed many great deeds there, deeds which will remain unknown until some scribe comes and tells the tales as they deserve to be told.

The World Tortoise

2011-04-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

Just a cool picture. Sorry, but I don't know the source.

My Girlfriend is a Geek

2011-04-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

My Girlfriend is a Geek... or as a more accurate translation, My Fujoshi Girlfriend. 'Fujoshi' refers to a girl who is not only very interested in Japanese anime/manga, but is also interested in romantically pairing their favorite male characters. (Haha... that's such a formal way of defining a Boy's Love (BL) fan.) 'My Girlfriend is a Geek' is about a pretty normal Japanese college guy who starts dating his boss... and she turns out to be a closet fujoshi. The book is in the form of anecdotal blog posts.

I thought the books were great. They're very light reading and I found them hilarious. I felt somewhat sad actually getting most of the geeky references without having to resort to the glossary... but the laughs made up for that sad self-introspection. I think the best way of reviewing the book is to give an short excerpt. If you enjoy it, you should rush and buy the two books now.


While I was putting together an extremely taxing and annoying report, I got a phone call from Y-ko, who was supposed to be hanging out with her fujoshi friends.

Me: Yeah? What's u-
Y-ko: Bonjour!! Listen, listen, listen!!

Ringggg.
C-could you turn down the volume?

Me: Sorry, could you tone it down? You're really hurting my ea-
Y-ko: Big news!! Oh, and when I greet you in Italian, I want an Italian response!!
Me: ...I'm sorry. Are you drunk? You're drunk, aren't you?

Plus, bonjour is French, not Italian.

Y-ko: So what? Anyways... I hear they're going to open a butler cafe!!

...What?
Really?

Me: That's incredible!! It's going to be a smash success.
Y-ko: I know, I know, I know!! Yes!! This weekend's plans are set!!

...Now you're getting ahead of yourself.
This place probably isn't even open for business yet.

Y-ko: Oh my goodness, it's going to be a festival! We're going to open that bottle of wine we've been saving, Sebas (ed. She calls him Sebas, short for Sebastian, because he reminds her of the butler from Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler).

...
Um...

Who are you calling Sebas?

Me: Come on! We don't even have a bottle of wine!
Y-ko: Yes we do! I'll go and pick one up!!
Me: That's not the same as "saving" a bottle...
Y-ko: Hey, what was it called? That one bottle that was really good... Oh right! I remember! Moe Moe Chandon?

What kind of name is that?

They might be able to sell a few bottles by riding that fact, but I certainly don't want to drink it.

Me: Nice try, but not quite. You're thinking of Moet & Chandon.
Y-ko: Oh, who cares? It's only one letter. Don't be so fussy, Sebas!!

I think I just got scolded!
And she called me Sebas again!

Me: ...Um, I'm sorry. Would you stop calling me Sebas?
Y-ko: Huh? Why?

Great.
The vaunted "why?" defense.

Me: Well, because my name is -
Y-ko: Oh, sorry. Did you want to be Shota?

I wasn't done with the sentence!
And why are those my only two choices?!
Plus, Shota isn't even a name!!

Y-ko: Yeah, of course... You're more the uke type.

...!!
Um... I'm sorry...

Is that how you've seen me all this time?

You can find some more excerpts here http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?t=62208. There are two books total to buy (Volume 1 and Volume 2). The books are complete. There is also a shoujo manga series, which I haven't read.

Yakitate!! Japan Tsukino Omake

2011-04-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

When I wrote the Yakitate!! Japan review from yesterday, I remembered some Tsukino related images I played around with years ago. Since blogs are all about sharing, I decided to clean/finish them up and post them. They're nothing special, just me playing around with photoshop.

The image above is a compilation of all the Tsukino cover inserts. They come from the Japanese covers. It's kinda fun seeing them all at once. Maybe you can resize it and make a wallpaper or something.

The image below was me playing around with creating animated gifs in photoshop. It comes from the omake (bonuses) from the 1st and 2nd volumes. The images didn't match up as nicely as I thought they would.

Yakitate!! Japan Review

2011-04-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

So, since the final Volume of Yakitate!! Japan has been published in English. I thought I'd give a short review of the series and Viz's localization.

Here's the brief version: Yakitate Japan is great! Buy it and read it! At the very least, read the first volume and if you like it, read to the end of Volume 14.

Now for a slightly more formal review.

Yakitate!! Japan is an award winning manga about... making bread. At times it can be fairly technical, which is nice because you can actually learn something. This series blends a lot of genres, but technically, the series is a very Japanese comedy manga. (That's my way of saying there's a lot of wordplay humor. Still, there are lots of visual, sarcastic, over-the-top, and universal gags as well.) The reason I love this series, though, is because it cares a lot about its story and characters. It uses its theme and humor to flavor the story and characters, not the other way around. And that's something I really didn't expect out of a comedy cooking battle manga. The story is well done, the conflicts are exciting, and there's strong characterization. The subject matter is interesting, the art is good, and the humor is funny.

I originally read Yakitate!! Japan through scanlations from the site SnoopyCool. Scanlations don't tend to care much about localizing to demographics and generally try to keep the translation as close to the Japanese as possible. Also, it's easy to put very lengthy liner notes all over the place. Viz's translations generally try to avoid forcing their readers to have a strong background in the Japanese language or culture. Translation/Localization is very tricky business and I have no problem with Viz's approach to it, although sometimes I feel that approach comes at the cost of charm. I did not feel this way about Viz's Yakitate!! Japan translation. I thought they showed a lot of consideration in their translation and were able to keep the heart of the story and jokes.

For example... in the Viz translation one gag relies on a horse screaming out "Mag-Neigh-Ficent" after eating some bread (seriously, read this manga.) The original gag was the horse shouting "U~mai", which means delicious. However, the "u" sound is written with the character for horse instead of the homonym character that's supposed to be used. I feel this is a good example of keeping the heart of the joke, but making it easier for American culture to understand... which I think fits their goal for localization. Personally, I prefer more direct translations (like Snoopy Cool's), but I still really enjoyed Viz's localization.

(As the series goes on, the wordplay gets increasingly ridiculous to the point I think it barely makes sense in Japanese. For a lot of these jokes at the end, the Viz English Translation seems to give up trying to localize the joke and instead give a direct translation. I don't have any problem with this... as I said, those end jokes are a HUGE stretch even in Japanese.)

As for the cover art... I really hate Viz's cover art department. The spines for this series simply don't match, which really bugs me because it looks messy on a bookshelf (yes, I'm picky like that.) As you can see, after Volume 18 Viz switched from their Ugly "V" emblem to an uglier "S" logo.

Somewhat surprisingly, Viz does a thorough job of keeping the original Japanese book's special right cover insert bonus... the cosplay drawings of the main heroine Tsukino. They place these on the back cover. I guess this is really just an example of "sex sells" and not an example of Viz's cover art team having any attention to detail. (Heh heh... I speak harshly, but it's all in fun!)

vs.

That's all the non-spoiler stuff I want to say. The rest of this "review" contain light spoilers for the second half of the series. I don't give any details, but I discuss my opinion on the direction the story takes.

SPOILER WARNING ALERT: Contains Spoilers for Yakitate!! Japan

I just kind of want to vent a bit. The second half of the series is much, much weaker than the first part. First off, the art is less detailed. Second, most of the jokes stop making sense and the originally creative reactions become ridiculous. The reactions go from skirting the edge of reality to full blown deep end impossible. Third, the story changes from an interesting mashup of genres to a very straightforward battle manga. And finally, the characters end up becoming one-dimensional caricatures of their former selves. I don't think the series becomes bad... it just isn't as good as in the first half. In short, Yakitate!! Japan 1-14 is like Dragonball whereas Yakitate!! Japan 15-26 is like Dragonball Z.

I do have one huge problem with the second half. That's the treatment of Kawachi. He turns into a pure gag character with no redeeming qualities or cool moments. As ridiculous as the final boss turns out to be and as heartless as I feel the author ultimately treats Azuma's opponents, nothing is more disappointing than the character Kawachi became.

I'd understand stopping after Volume 14 if you're not a huge fan of the series by then. The events ending that volume are as good as the series gets. But even with the decline in quality, I still mostly enjoyed the final arc. Yakitate!! Japan is a great series and is worth attention.

One Piece - Fight Together

2011-04-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd post up the new One Piece opening, for your listening pleasure. It's an Amuro Namie song, I think it's pretty nice. The animation isn't bad either, at least for One Piece. Contains spoilers for Saobady and beyond.

The Shichibukai are Giants!

2011-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

This is a fun picture for One Piece fans. The Shichibukai (or, as Viz's translation calls them, the 'Seven Warlords of the Sea') are not ordinary people. But... until I saw this picture I didn't realize how monstrous they really were. This drawing takes the member's heights from the guidebooks and compares their heights to real things. They're all giants! Even Boa Hancock is ridiculously tall (6'3)! For those who need it, here are the heights in feet/inches:

Hancock (31) - 191 cm (6'3.25")
Mihawk (43) - 198 cm (6'6")
Crocodile (46) - 253 cm (8'3")
Jinbe (46) - 301 cm (9'8")
Doflamingo (41) - 305 cm (10'0")
Kuma (47) - 689 cm (22'6")
Moriah (51) - 692 cm (22'7")

Community: Paradigms of Human Memory

2011-04-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

SPOILER WARNING ALERT: Contains Spoilers for Community Season 2, Episode 21

"Paradigms of Human Memory" was an awesome Community. Awesome enough to make me take a few minutes to blog about it. It doesn't beat episodes like Modern Warfare or anything, but it was good enough to put me in a good mood.

This episode is a clip/recap episode, except all the flashbacks are stuff that has never been shown. Although fake recap episodes have been done in animation like the Simpsons or Clerks... it was so much more impressive in a filmed show. I was amused from start to finish. There was so much fan-service in this episode it felt really rewarding to have watched all the episodes (especially for the alternate version of Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas). Highlights? Pierce stealing Abed's food and the Dean entrance montage.

One thing most watchers won't realize is that the Jeff/Annie and Abed/Pierce montage video is a playful parody of a fan-made community music video. It's really awesome... it explains that Troy in black and white part.

Hmm... this post was pretty sloppy and pointless... but oh well, I wanted to write about the episode.

Chrono Trigger: Crimson Echoes

2011-04-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

Crimson Echoes is a Chrono Trigger fan game. Its background is important to understanding what it is. There's a lot of middle-school drama surrounding the game, so I'll try to be unbiased in my explanation. Basically, ZeaLity of the Chrono Compendium organized a project to create a fan based sequel to Chrono Trigger. The goal was to make a fun game that was true to both Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross. They would also further develop romhacking tools targeting Chrono Trigger.

They worked very hard for years, despite many problems during development. Some alpha copies and demos were released into the wild. Occasionally, groups used those releases to work on their own versions completely independent of the Chrono Compendium, such as the team behind Frozen Echoes. Right before Crimson Echoes was ready to be released (they say at 98% done), Square allegedly served them a Cease and Desist, so the Chrono Compendium removed as much Crimson Echoes related materials as they could from the internet and the game was never released. The only relics of the project were a youtube playthrough of the 98% completed game and some development notes. Until a year later, when a rom that built upon the 98% Crimson Echoes build was released. The 98% build can be played all the way through, my guess is that balancing issues and small touch-ups are the only 2% remaining. This blog entry is a review/discussion of that build.

Crimson Echoes is a very big game that can easily last 20 Hours. Its odd history begs the question... is this leak of Crimson Echoes worth playing? My opinion? Only if you really, really enjoy the Chrono Trigger game style and are willing to put up with a lot of pain for a chance at some new adventures. If you haven't played Chrono Trigger, don't even think about playing this. The rest of this review are my thoughts of the game and should help you decide if you want to try it. This review is story spoiler free.

The gameplay of Crimson Echoes is the same as Chrono Trigger, which is great. The battle engine is the same, feel of exploration is the same, the effects and music are the same. The "new content" it offers are some new enemies (and a new, well-made, big boss), lots of new (generally very well made) maps, some new techs/weapons/armor, and of course a brand new story. Crimson Echoes is best described as high grade fanfiction + good ol' Chrono Trigger engine.

Good ol' Chrono Trigger engine is almost enough to make it unquestionably worth sinking the time into this game. I nostalgia'd all over the place and enjoyed re-finding characters and seeing the updated world the Crimson Echoes team created. But the things Crimson Echoes does wrong made it almost unplayable.

Things that I've generally seen complained about: Crono speaks. Frog doesn't use an accent. The game balancing is horrible and only gets worse as the game goes on.

Character dialogue didn't bother me a bit and the Crimson Echoes teams rational behind their decisions makes a lot of sense. This story is fanfiction, but it's well thought out fanfiction. It does of good job of serving as a heavy handed bridge between Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross, providing answers for any lingering questions after playing Chrono Cross. You may or may not like the writing (I think people get overly critical over fan works) and story or devices (there are nuclear missiles in the game at some point), but I thought it was fine. From what I could tell, the creators of the game cared very much about and showed a lot of respect towards the Chrono games.

My problem with the story is that I didn't feel it meshed well with the gameplay. In my opinion, Chrono Trigger is a fast paced adventure-y game and Crimson Echoes is generally not that. There are occasionally huge walls of text. There are very analytical sections. The time travel mechanics are more thoroughly dissected / complicated. I feel the wordiness interrupts the "fun" feel of Chrono Trigger. I think that lots of things are best left up to the imagination (especially with "magic"), but the Crimson Echoes team tried to explain everything in pretty great detail. It makes the game seem like less of a Chrono Trigger adventure to me.

While some story arcs were awesome, there were many story arcs that did not work well in a game. There would be chapters that were very short and consisted of very little actual game play. Towards the middle of the game, I often got very bored. I did want to see how the main story resolved and fight the main villains of the game, but I felt I was doing a lot of pointless and boring quests. There are also sections that split up the characters. I hated those sections, especially when they were solo character sections.

Which leads to the huge problem with Crimson Echoes: The difficulty. I'd call this game impossible without the use of emulators (save states) and hacks. The missing 2% probably mostly referred to fixing balancing. Enemies have WAY too much life and your attacks do WAY too little damage. Getting techs requires WAY too much SP. The game starts out pretty bad and gets worse and worse. The only saving grace was that running away from battle is very easy.

I was playing for the gameplay, not the story (otherwise I could just watch the youtube videos or read the plot points at http://crimsonechoes.com). I wanted a small challenge in the game (so no level 99 or invincibility hacks for me), but I did not want to spend hours grinding. Here's what I did:

The Chrono Compendium originally had a large section about how to romhack Chrono Trigger, complete with some very good tools. However, that section was removed after cease and desist letter. But the section is still available via the Internet Wayback Machine. Any links to tools that don't work on that site can easily be google'd.

If you want to know exactly how I modified the game:

1. Gave myself an absurd amount of money and kept myself fully stocked with items. You can see this youtube video for an easy to understand explanation on how to modify memory. Find the value representing your money and max that out~ (Alternatively, you can use Chrono Shop Editor to make all items costs 1G.)

2. Used Chrono Tweaker to modify stats. I basically went through and halved the life of every enemy. I also edited enemies to give at least double the SP.

3. I'd reference the youtube playthrough occasionally to get through puzzles that I don't think were very well designed, such as the drum mini game.

With these changes, the game was pretty fun and, for the most part, I enjoyed playing through the game.

Well, these were my thoughts on this well made fan sequel. I hope I helped you decide how you want to treat the game.

BTW, here's a link to the 98% build ROM: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=CR6ZTVXG

Brandon Sanderson

2011-04-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

Brandon Sanderson is a pretty great sci-fi/fantasy author and, from reading his interviews and blogs, a really cool guy. His prose doesn't strike me a particularly great, but his plots/stories are some of the best. The stories are kind of like the ideal of what video-game stories or anime/manga try to go for. Saying that kind of sells it short, but that's how it is in my opinion. His stories always have great plot reveals that were foreshadowed throughout the book and magic systems that were well designed. He's also a very prolific author... it's great following an author who's able to regularly release really good books.

He has a few works online for free, the most notable of which is his novel Warbreaker. He's also got pretty good short stories.

Once you get into his writing, check out his blog and read the rest of his works, especially Mistborn.

My Rurouni Kenshin Collection

2011-04-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

So... 2011 is the 15th Anniversary of Rurouni Kenshin. Kenshin is, without doubt, my absolute favorite manga. In celebration of the 15 years, there's been a bunch of stuff announced and released (BTW, the PSP game was pretty bad, I would not suggest picking it up if you want a good Kenshin game. Go for the PS2 game or the awesome PSX rpg.) On top of all the releases and games, a new anime project has been greenlit. It still remains to be seen what the project is, but I'm crossing my fingers that the Jinchuu arc will finally be animated.

Anyway, all the Kenshin stuff this year made me want to do a post about it... so I decided to post pictures of most of my Kenshin stuff. I'm pretty proud (and simultaneously embarrassed) of the stuff I've collected, so here goes.

I picked up a set of the original Japanese tankouban as they were released, oh so many years ago. I also picked up the info books, Kenshin Hiden and Kenshin Kaden. The thin book is a guidebook to the PSX Kenshin RPG game (again, really fun game with an interesting battle system.) The Shonen Jumps on the left contain (29) the last color chapter, (43) the last chapter, and (3-4) Yahiko's Sakabatou.

I also picked up the original Viz translations as they came out. I wish they tried to match the Japanese spines... and I REALLY wish they didn't change that bottom Viz logo after book 17. I also have the VizBig version Volume 9 because it has the Yahiko's Sakabatou and Haru Ni Sakura chapters not available elsewhere. Kenshin Profiles and Kenshin Novel are in the shot... but those were both pretty disappointing purchases. You can see Busou Renkin to the right there... it was another good Watsuki series. I used to have Gun Blaze West, but I got rid of it because it was really, really bad.

It seems somewhat ridiculous to have three sets of the same manga... but I do and I don't regret it. My last set of the Kenshin Manga is the Taiwanese edition of the Kenshin Complete (Kanzenban) books. This is an awesome set and was much cheaper than the identical Japanese prints. The books themselves are larger than the original edition and use higher quality paper. On top of that, the color pages are kept intact. Watsuki created new covers for all the books and did fun reimaginings of all the characters under the dust jackets. You can find high quality scans of the covers, color pages, and reimaginined characters at this site. I collected the scans and resized them at a lower resolution. You can download the entire batch zipped up over here, if the low resolution doesn't bother you.

I've got some other stuff too. An old gashapon set, the VHS Memorial Box for a special final recap episode of the anime, the PSX RPG, and a bunch of postcards and other images (not all pictured.)

And, that's all I've got. If you're interested in finding other Kenshin stuff, head over to http://the-oro.com. They've got all the info you'd wish for as well as an awesome collection of images.

3D Dot Game Heroes

2011-04-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

So... 3D Dot Game Heroes was an okay game. You can get it for pretty cheap now. I played it last year and finished the main quest. I'm a huge fan of the 2D Zelda Games, so I thought I would love 3D Dot Game Heroes. In the end... I was actually kind of disappointed. It feels to me like 3D Dot Game Heroes is an homage to the first Zelda on the NES, whereas I liked the worlds and feelings of the SNES Link to the Past and Gameboy Link's Awakening. I also felt the game design was a lot less tight than a Nintendo title. And although I loved the idea of a "3D Pixel" game, it turned out I wasn't a fan of the art direction and really would have preferred a sprite game. Still, I enjoyed my play through it, I just had no desire to do anything past simply completing the game with the bare minimum of collectables.

The one thing that I thought was really great in this game was the block editor. You can design the hero character avatar you use in the block editor. You can also download and use other people's creation, although it's been so long that live links are harder to find.

Here's a link to some popular characters from other franchises that I thought were done well. I didn't make any of these, I just found them on the net. There are Link avatars made by Gamespy, an avatar of Cave Story's Quote by DesTwo from gamefaqs, and an avatar of Tina/Terra from Final Fantasy 6 (which was Final Fantasy 3 on the SNES.) Terra was pretty tough to find, I finally got her off some Japanese web site. I wasn't able to find links to other Final Fantasy VI/III characters though. Oh well.

Download Character Models

Enjoy!

Fate/Zero Translation Complete

2011-04-18T13:39:00.001-07:00

The Fate/Zero translation is complete! You can read the whole thing over at baka-tsuki. If you like Japanese fantasy, it's well worth reading. Make sure to thank the team over at Beast's Lair for their work!

If you'd like, here's a Fate/Zero pack I put together. It includes all 4 novels in PDF form (I got the files from bakabt) and the Fate/Zero artbooks at a decent resolution (which I resized from this pack of Fate Night artbooks). It does not include the translation of "Heart of Freaks", which was a side story about Kiritsugi's past and was not written by Urobochi Gen. The files I collected are zipped up and uploaded to mediafire.

Download the Fate/Zero Pack

Fate/Zero is a prequel story to the visual novel game Fate/Stay Night. Fate/Zero can be read without playing the game first. The novels cover the disastrous fourth Mage War only alluded to by Fate/Stay Night. As such, it's a tragedy. The novels are written by Urobuchi Gen, who collaborated with Kinoko Nasu, the creator of Fate Night. It's a gritty magic tournament story with great battle scenes, but the real magic of the story to me is the characterization. Urobuchi Gen does a good job of portraying the characters and showing why they make the decisions they make. I'm horrible at reviews, so I'll leave it at that.

As a side note, Fate Zero is being made into an anime series by UFO Table, which most people (myself included) take as good news. It should be out sometime in 2011.

As for Fate/Stay Night... it's the only Visual Novel I've ever made it all the way through and I highly recommend it. A Visual Novel is kind of like a choose your own adventure story with lots of images and sound (music and character dialog), except there aren't that many choices to make. It is very lengthy and probably comparable to a full length novel if you do all the paths. There's also an anime (which I don't recommend), a movie (which I don't recommend), a Visual Novel sequel (which I never played, but doesn't sound interesting), and some PSP games.

Streets of Rage Fan Remake

2011-04-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

(Here's the link to the project's homepage.)

Ah, this is pretty cool.

Streets of Rage is an old Sega series. It's an arcade brawler... you wander down linear levels beating up sprites until you fight the stage boss, ideally with two players. This genre probably mostly appeals to those who grew up on this game, but this game in particular is pretty accessible to anyone. Anyway, this group has been working on a remake for eight years and finally finished. It's a remake, not a port or an emulation.

They combined the best things about all the Streets of Rage games, then added a ton of customization and special unlockables. Boasting tons of stages, characters, enemies, and music as well as cheat options and a stage maker... they've poured lots and lots of love into this project.

There's so much I can say about this project.. but this review does a much better job than I would. All I have left to say is that the team made a great homage... it's really fun and nostalgic. Download a copy while you can!

Relic NT

2011-04-09T16:23:00.001-07:00

Hi, I'm Relic.NT (you can pronounce it Relic Enne Tee) and I'll be taking over this blog from my friend. He wasn't using it anyway and I like the name. Errant Cluster... just sounds cool. Anyway, the content will be the same... random links and posts about my geeky interests. But I'll probably be posting pretty frequently. So look forward to it~

Samurai Shadow Dance

2011-02-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

A really cool stylized samurai performance. The project a shadow thing that the swordsman fights. It ends up like an anime fight, except with one live actor.

Evangelion

2011-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

Angel Densetsu

2009-05-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

Recently I read through the manga Angel Densetsu by Norihiro Yagi, the author of Claymore. Even though the author is the same as Claymore, the story is totally different. It's a basically episodic comic about the misadventures due to misunderstandings about a boy name Yamishi, who has the heart of an Angel, but a face like a Demon. Everyone who sees him think he's evil incarnate, but he really isn't. It's a comedy series that relies heavily on unexpected coincedences. It is surprisingly done well and I found it pretty funny in short doses. So, I definitely recommend it.

Shin Angyo Onishi

2009-04-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

This week I read the manga/manhwa Shin Angyo Onishi. It's a manga written by a Korean author, with art by a Korean artist, but it was published in Japan. It wasn't the best manga I've ever read, but it was a pretty good read. If I had to give a one line description, I'd describe it as "Cowboy Bebop in a fantasy feudal Korea." Probably the best part of the manga for me was that the story took many of its elements from Korean history and mythology, which the author explained in detail. Kind of like Nobuhiro Watsuki's commentary during Rurouni Kenshin. If that sounds like your type of thing, you should definitely give this manga a try.

Errant Math Joke Collection

2009-03-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a bunch of Math Jokes I've collected. I find them decently amusing. Also, you can read these essays if you haven't already.

Solving an Equation:

Pizza:

What's the difference between having a Ph.D in Math and having a Pizza?
You can feed a family of four with a pizza.

Two Math Pick Up Lines

I'd like to be your derivate... you know, tangent to all your curves...
I'd love to be your integral... you know, the area under your curves...

Work It Out

What does a mathematician do about constipation?
He sits down and tries to work it out with a pencil.

Finding X:

A Math Limerick:

A mathematician confided
That the Mobius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

Limerick by John Saxon:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
is nine squared and not a bit more.
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

A more complex equation limerick:

Integral z-squared dz
from one to the cube root of three
times the cosine
of three pi over nine
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
(this last line kind of makes more sense today as "Is ln the cube root of e")

Expansion:

Hot Air Balloon:

     Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.
     So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
     15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
     One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons.
     (1) he took a long time to answer,
     (2) he was absolutely correct, and
     (3) his answer was absolutely useless.

Crossing:

What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
Nothing. You can't cross two scalars.

The Party:

e^x goes to a party where a bunch of other functions are hanging out and having a good time, but e^x is just sitting in the corner looking miserable. After a while, another function comes over to e^x and says, "Hey man! What are you doing over here moping? Why don't you integrate yourself into the party and have a little fun?", and e^x says, "I can't! I've tried integrating myself over and over and it never seems to make any difference!"

Frustration:

Christmas and Halloween:

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Absent Minded Professor:

     Norbert Wiener was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realised that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."

Favorite Subject:

     A math professor is talking to her little brother who just started his first year of graduate school in mathematics.
"What's your favorite thing about mathematics?" the brother wants to know.
"Knot theory."
"Yeah, me neither."

Limits:

I know, I know it doesn't really quite work....

Advice:

     At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
     "Why?" the students ask.
     "Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
     "And what happened?!"
     "Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

The Math Professor's Affair

     When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:
     My dearest wife,
     We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.
     Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

     My beloved husband,
     You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.
     Your loving wife.
     P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

Tale of the Battle

     There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
     The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
     When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
     The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Did I Get the Job? (Yes, not really math...)

Wasting Money:

Dean, to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money? Your laboratories and equipment are so expensive? Why can't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are the pencils and paper."

Conferences:

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

Fibonacci:

A Quiz:

What follows is a "quiz". It's multiple choice, and if you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy...

S. What the acorn said when he grew up
N. bisects
u. A dead parrot
g. centre
F. What you should do when it rains
R. hypotenuse
m. A geometer who has been to the beach
H. coincide
h. The set of cards is missing
y. polygon
A. The boy has a speech defect
t. secant
K. How they schedule gym class
p. tangent
b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home
D. ellipse
O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove
W. geometry
r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile
j. decagon

A Train Problem

Helping Ralph with Homework:

Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: You don't know until you try!

Eigensheep:

What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh!!!

The Ark:

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

Irritability

2009-03-07T10:42:00.001-08:00

The webcomic I've read for the longest time is called Irritability. It's... very difficult to describe. The best I can say is that it's a very random comedy written by a geekish science guy. It has an anime-ish feel... you really should just read it. You don't have anything better to do, right? And I promise it'll take a long (but enjoyable) time to go through the archives; plus there's tons of bonus stuff on the site. I'm too lazy to post choice comics... really, just take my word for it that this comic is worth reading. Enjoy! Here's the link: http://maze.icomix.com/comicpage/index1.html. You should go to the archives and read all the comics.

Bonus: A link to my favorite single webcomic ever... it's a penny arcade one.

Busou Renkin Blocks

2009-01-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

So one of my favorite manga series is Busou Renkin, by the author of Rurouni Kenshin. It starts off slow, but then gets very good. The characterization, relationships, and fights are its strong points... Watsuki-sensei has such a good eye for layouts. Also, it has an actual "good end." That's a huge bonus for me.

So... I thought I'd share a Busou Renkin as well as a Busou Renkin related game... it's simply breakout, but with a very interesting reward... Enjoy!

Where is Matt?

2008-12-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

This viral video was pretty amusing... just some guy dancing around the world.

http://www.wherethehellismatt.com

Job History Jokes

2008-12-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

Have you been exposed to the "Job History" genre of jokes? They're horrifyingly lame pun jokes... so I find them hilarious and clever. I first heard them from the sitcom "Scrubs" and looked up more. Here are the ones I liked:

My first job was as a programmer, but I couldn't get arrays.

So I became a fisherman, but I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

Then I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I liked my following stint as a musician, but ultimately found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

So I got a job at the shoe factory, but I just didn't fit in. It's fine, since it never touched my sole.

Next I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

After that I gave Starbucks a try for a while, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

I worked a while as a historian, until I realized there wasn't any future in it.

I worked as a pilot, too, but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching, but I couldn't make the grade.

So I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My following career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.

I tried to work as an accountant, but the job satisfaction just didn't add up.

I was fired from the massage parlor. Apparently, I rubbed people the wrong way.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I was an optician for a while until I made a spectacle of myself.

I gave the frozen food factory a chance, but I got fresh and then they canned me.

My last job was as a butcher, but they fired me when I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

There are also longer ones, such as the following:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. In fact, the union squeezed me out. They said they'd beat me to a pulp if I tried to return. Told me I was fruity.

So then I got a job as a lumberjack. But I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I tried reapplying but they told me I was barking up the wrong tree and wood I just go away. I guess I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. That's okay, it was just a sew-sew job. Seams they were trying to rip me off. I almost lost my shirt. The boss buttonholed me and told me to keep my mouth zipped.

There are so many of these types of jokes, most likely because they're so easy to make up. You can read through many more at this link, or just use google. Let me warn you... a lot of the ones you find will be way lamer than the ones I've already posted.

Fan Made Lyrics To Classic Video Game Songs

2008-12-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

Introduction / More English / More Japanese

Those of us who've played video games know how catchy video game tunes are. But you know what? When you add words to them, they become even catchier. I've collected a lot of "lyric-ized" video game music and decided to share. These lyricized songs aren't spectacular achievements in music, but they sure can be nostalgic, and most importantly, amusing. And lucky for us, song parodies are only made of the good catchy tunes, and not the tunes that only got stuck in our heads because we were forced to listen to them for hours straight as we failed to beat a level. I broke this entry into three because I used a lot of embedded youtube videos. Many of the youtube videos have accompaning animations that are well worth watching, so don't miss out.

The other reason for this post is to find more lyric-ized songs... so leave a comment if you know of more. I'll add them to the appropriate list. Without further ado, the best songs:

Legend of Zelda
The first video game song I had heard with added words (not counting the stuff my friends as I made up as kids)... it's a parody of the Zelda Overworld theme by Rabbit Joint. It also perfectly sets the tone for what the rest of this collection is going to be. Sorry, the video quality is bad... download the original flash here.

Final Fantasy: Tribute
This one is a parody of the Chocobo Theme from the Final Fantasy series. The animation for this song is very fan-servicey, which is awesome. The song is by Joe Redifer, the animation is done by Legendary Frog... who makes a lot of fun animations. Check them out if you have time. You can get the original flash here.

Castlevania: Juese Belmont
This one is a lyricized version of Simon Belmont's theme from Castlevania. In Castlevania, Dracula periodically arises and a member of the Belmont clan challenges and defeats him. But what about the Belmonts born in years where Dracula doesn't resurrect? Well...

Mega Man 2: I Can't Defeat Air Man
This song is awesome. The lyrics are in Japanese, but it's subtitled. The Japanese version of Mega Man 2 didn't have a normal setting. Air Man and Leaf Man are the two hardest masters in the song.... hence this song. The corresponding animation was done well.

Super Mario World: Western Show
This song is a Japanese parody of Super Mario World theme. It's done by Hyadain (a -GUY- who did all the voices)... you'll see a lot more of him if you check out the other Japanese part. The drawings for this animation are pretty amusing.

Final Fantasy
Back to English, this is an epic rap that covers the entire story of the first Final Fantasy. It is awesome.

Chrono Trigger: To Faraway Times
The last one for this page, we're back to English, and the only non-humor song. It's a lyricized "To Far Away Times" from Chrono Trigger and it's really nice (possibly barring the slightly out of place Japanese section.) It was made as part of the "Chrono Symphonic" project, where Chrono Trigger songs were remixed. It's well worth checking out.

Make sure to listen to the other lyric-ized video game songs I've found:
More English / More Japanese

Jonathan Coulton

2008-11-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

Jonathan Coulton is a folk rock singer/writer, and once a programmer. So he has a nerdy streak to his music. As a musician, he uses the Creative Commons for licensing. He went through a year where he created and released a song a week, which is cool. I like his stuff, it amuses me a lot. Here's a sample of some of my favorites, as long as youtube keeps them up. For more, go visit his web site at http://jonathancoulton.com/. You can listen to all the songs he's released there. (Yeah... I know that since Still Alive was released, he's pretty popular... I also decided not to include Still Alive, since everyone knows what that is.)

Code Monkey

Code Monkey Ukelele

I'm Your Moon

Tom Cruise Crazy

Baby Got Back - Acoustic

Mirror's Edge

2008-11-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

I thought the above image was pretty clever. The left image is the original character design of Faith from the video game Mirror's Edge. The right is a fan's guess at how Faith would be changed if she was re-designed by a Japanese game company. Sadly, it's probably pretty accurate. Yeah, so, Mirror's Edge is out now... not that I can play it without getting sick.

Ted Chiang

2008-10-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

An author I discovered recently, while randomly searching for good online reading, is Ted Chiang. He writes very deep science fiction. The stories are good and accesibly scientific. He doesn't write that much, but what he does write is good... often award winning. He has two books out. The first is a collection of his short stories called "The Story of Your Life." The second was released recently and is called the "The Merchant and the Alchemist's Gate," although it may have been a limited print. Anyways, his stories I've found.

What's Expected Of Us
A very, very, very short story that will give you a good flavor of what and how Ted Chiang writes.

Understand
Like Flowers for Algernon, but much cooler, because the main character doesn't decay and is a lot more selfish.

Merchant and the Alchemist's Gate
Awesome story merging religion and time travel. It's a very standard time travelling story, but approached from a very unique mindset.

Division By Zero
It's a good story about the internal and external struggles of a mathematician and her husband who discover math is broken.

Tower of Babel
I liked this one okay. It's about the Tower of Babel.

Hell is the Absence of God
I... didn't really enjoy this one too much. It's a "What if" type story where God (where God is an interpretation of the Christian Bible's Old Testament God) never hid himself from humanity. I would have enjoyed it more if the painting of God in this story wasn't so far from what the real God is like.

There are also some interviews with him out there, you can easily google/wiki them.

Two Short Stories

2008-10-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Two short stories I found online, I enjoyed reading them a lot in the order I found them. So here they are. If you haven't read them before, trust me, they're good sci-fi.

Dispersed By The Sun Melting in the Wind (Rachel Swirsky)
Occupation (Isaac Asimov)

Rinkworks

2008-09-28T17:57:00.001-07:00

Rinkworks was introduced to me back in 2000 or so by my high school girlfriend who enjoyed "Book-A-Minute." Honestly, that's one of my least favorite aspects of the site, but so much of that site is good that it is well worth the time to pay a visit. It's a lot of random humor and cleverness. Here's the stuff I like the best:

I Think: If you liked SNL's Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, there'll probably be a thought or two you enjoy from this.

It's a Bad, Bad, Movie (Read anything with a rating of 5): This guy reviews B-movies that amused him. A special link to my favorite review

Things People Said: These are all good. I'll give some examples of what you'll find, specifically, my favorites. Here goes:

- Accident Quotations -

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

- Resume Quotations -

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

- Warning Labels -

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

- Tenents -

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
"The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

Orson Scott Card Stories

2008-09-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

Orson Scott Card
Without doubt, Orson Scott Card is my favorite author. At his website, many short stories are provided. Here are my favorites. This should take a good chunk of time to read through, and the stories are very enjoyable. If you like them, you should read all his stories.
(a) Atlantis

It's very long and takes a bit before it's interesting, but it's really good once it does. If you've read Pastwatch, you might think you already read this... but you haven't, keep reading.

(b) Ender's Game

If you like the book and haven't read this, I think it's still worthwhile. If you haven't heard of Ender's Game... after reading this, I'm sure you'll want to pick up the full novel.

It's a Christmas story about an interesting interpretation of Hell and Santa Clause.

(d) Missed

It's kinda on the sad side about a guy coping with death, please keep that in mind. Quite short though. One short break's worth.

(e) Prior Restraint

This is a pretty interesting story, but I can't say anything about it without kind of ruining it.

Introduction

2008-09-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hi, I've spent a lot of time surfing the web and I've found a lot of amusing stuff. It'd be a waste to keep it all to myself, especially considering that you're bored (that's how you found your way here, right?.) So I thought I'd share, exerting as little energy as possible by using this free blog account. Hope you find something there to fight off the boredom. Without further ado. I'll put up something new once every two weeks or so.

The Errant Cluster

Skyward Sword

Totoro For Every Season

A Big Giant Totoro

The Scariest Japanese File Ever

Ah! My Goddess...

Gremlin World

Peaceful Afternoon

Pokemon As People

Cheering For Legend Of Zelda

Rockman: The Heavy Metal

Greatest Weakness

Asaekkiga

The Life Ending Adventure

Satsui no Hadou Shirizu

Kyonko Ponycopter

Random Reddit Stories

Strawhats Vs. Fake Strawhats

Koma Koma

Creation Myth

Tumblr

Decompressing Archive Files

Dark Inspector Gadget

Half Minute Hero Review

Lost Odyssey Dream Transcripts

History of Scanlation

Random Non Conventional Cosplay

Rimu

Ico Comics

Caramelldansen Taunts - A Brawl Hack

Top Ten Caramelldansen

Harry Potter Schools

Flame of Recca Review

Onani Master Kurosawa

Final Fantasy 13 Prologue

Chinese Poster

Lupin the 3rd

Final Fantasy 7 Plot Analysis

Fate Zero Anime Trailer

Castlevania: Harmony of Darkness

Densha Otoko

Cave Johnson is Awesome

Hatsune Miku Sings the Heart Sutra

Free Neal Stephenson Stuff

Jokes from a Dilbert Thread

obama

Kyon Likes Ponytails

Hyadain's Kakakata Kataomoi

PCSX2 0.9.8!

List of Jin Yong's Wuxia in English

Sword of the Yue Maiden

The World Tortoise

My Girlfriend is a Geek

Yakitate!! Japan Tsukino Omake

Yakitate!! Japan Review

One Piece - Fight Together

The Shichibukai are Giants!

Community: Paradigms of Human Memory

Chrono Trigger: Crimson Echoes

Brandon Sanderson

My Rurouni Kenshin Collection

3D Dot Game Heroes

Fate/Zero Translation Complete

Streets of Rage Fan Remake

Relic NT

Samurai Shadow Dance

Evangelion

Angel Densetsu

Shin Angyo Onishi

Errant Math Joke Collection

Irritability

Busou Renkin Blocks

Where is Matt?

Job History Jokes

Fan Made Lyrics To Classic Video Game Songs

More English Lyric-Ized Video Game Songs

More Japanese Lyric-Ized Video Game Songs

Jonathan Coulton

Mirror's Edge

Ted Chiang