Exploding Whale

I feel this old news video should be required viewing. The newscaster commentary is the best part.

The Scariest Japanese Film Ever

Seriously, this movie looks terrifying based on the cover art.

Not at all like a Robin Williams cross-dressing comedy.

Mrs. Doubtfire, catering to a whole different audience in Japan.

Greatest Weakness

Took these from some Reddit thread.

What's the best answer you've ever given in a job interview to the question: "What is your biggest weakness?"

A few years ago I was applying to work for a middleschool in PA and had this conversation:
Q: "What's your greatest weakness?"
A: "I'm just a little bit too attracted to teenage girls."
Q" ..."
A: "Just kidding! It's actually that I don't know when a joke is inappropriate."

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is distinguishing between fact and fiction, reality and fantasy.
Interviewer: And your biggest strength?
Me: I'm Batman.

My friends tell me I am condescending. Condescending is when you talk down to people.

"Cookie dough ice cream."

"I'd say my biggest weakness is that I work too hard. Also, I steal staplers....... hey, is that a Swingline?"

One applicant once told me, with a straight face, that his biggest weakness was upper body strength, but he'd been going to the gym, so that should qualify him..."

Bullets. Definitely gonna have to go with bullets on this one, Bob.
BULLETS! My only weakness...

That I am unemployed.

"Singing, definitely singing, but I promise if I work here I won't sing, so it's all good."

"Stairs." People don't know if it's okay to laugh at cripple jokes from a cripple, it's hilarious.

When asked that question by my third interviewer, I took a deep sigh and said "Well I'm addicted to heroin, and some employers have a hard time understanding that work will always take a back seat to that."

Print a business card that says "Sometimes my overpreparedness comes across as arrogance."  Hand it to the interviewer when asked.

Asaekkiga

I find this guy's comics really fun.  See more over at asaekkiga

Random Reddit Stories

Random Reddit:

One time, I was in a McDonalds, and the woman in front of me was (presumably) ordering for her family, although she was alone.

Woman: "I'll have 4 big macs, 2 large fries, and an 4 chocolate shakes"
Employee: "Is that for here or to go?"
Woman: (rudely) "Does it look like I'm going to eat this all here?"
Employee: "BITCH, I dont know your life!!"
More funny than rude, but still.


Random Reddit:

Post 1: I learned what marital status was when I about 18. For some reason I always read it as martial status, as in martial arts. I took karate when I was younger so on my first few job applications I wrote "yellow belt" instead of single.

Post 2: This is the best. I'm just imagining the people reading those applications. "Wtf … ?"


Kendell Sharecropping Experience:

    [0:00] Here is the most racist field trip I have ever been on in my entire fucking life.
    [0:03] They took us to a fuckin' cotton processing place, and there was a big-ass cotton field out in the middle of fuckin' raymond alabama, in the south of montgomery county.
    [0:13] We went there, and me, and 28 other little niglets in Miss Harper's third-grade classroom, they took our asses out there, in the middle of the fuckin' august heat, and said "Hey, y'all ..."
    [0:22] They gave us bags and shit, had little cute little plastic bags, with a cute - with a cotton puff person with a smile on his face, and they were like "Hey, y'all go out there, have fun, pick as much cotton as you want".
    [0:35] And so my stupid ass went, you know, I went, my Mama signed off on it and and didn't think about it, and I went to the fuckin' field trip. I was in the fields just havin' a good ol' time.
    [0:45] We were singin' songs and shit, out in the middle of the motherfuckin' field, picking goddamn cotton, in the middle of the fuckin' heat, and here I'm thinking: because it's a field trip, they told us you can pick as much as you want, hey, you get to keep the fuckin' cotton. You can keep it.
    [1:00] So I was like "Yeah, I'm gonna keep it" and we go to get back on the bus and they're like "Okay kids, turn your bags in", and they take our asses inside, and took all the damn cotton that we had, and then told us to get back on the fuckin' bus.
    [1:12] So me, being a little rebel, I took a little handful of cotton, stuffed it in my pocket, and went home.
    [1:17] Then, my Mama came, and when she was doin' laundry the next night, she was like "what the fuck, is this cotton in your back pocket?" - I was like "Yeah" - "Where the hell did you get unprocessed cotton from?" - "Well, yesterday on that field trip they took us to a cotton processing plant and we got to pick cotton all day long."
    [1:39] My Mama came to the school and - I swear to god - that shit went down. She locked this woman in a room, like "How dare you jive-ass motherfuckers take my kid and all these other ashy li'l negroes to a fuckin' cotton field in the middle of the summer. You fuckin' soulless bitch."
    [2:00] She fuckin' checked me outta school, I didn't go to school for three days behind that shit. She said "I don't want to have to look at that bitch". She was pissed at everybody.
    [2:10] Yes. That was the most racist shit I have ever gone through in my life. I didn't even understand what was wrong until the next year. I didn't even understand.
    [2:18] I just thought we were gonna go have some fun, in the field. So fuck that shit. That was fuckin' sharecropping if I've ever seen it. Shit.



Random Reddit

I once had a solo performance for my band. I play the saxophone. I was very nervous at the time, being 10, and I forgot my instrument on the bus ride over to where we were performing. I didn't realize that I didn't have my sax until we were all on stage. I probably looked like a complete jackass when the spotlight shone on me and I just sat there like a fucking idiot.



Random Reddit:

On a train, I overheard a homeless guy talking to his bicycle like it was a horse. He said, "Be good, or I won't give you a carrot when we get home."

Chinese Poster

I like this poster. I found it on reddit and thought it was hilarious. The text is supposed to mean: "It doesn't mean anything, but it looks pretty." You're supposed to hang it up somewhere and when people ask you what it means, you can truthfully say "It doesn't mean anything, but it looks pretty." Hehe... I'd like a calligraphy version that looks a lot fancier though. Maybe later.

Jokes from a Dilbert Thread

Okay, a long time (2007!) ago I copied the jokes I liked best from some old dilbert blog thread to a text file. I was cleaning out my computer the other day and came across it. My tastes in jokes haven't changed too much and I still think it's a decent list, so I decided to post it. So here you go.

WARNING: Some of these jokes are pretty crude. They're jokes though, so they're not meant to be taken seriously. Still, don't read them if you just want PG related jokes... Dilbert blog readers apparently aren't PG joke people . ^^  Here are some awesome clean jokes, if you want.  Some jokes from reddit.  And even more reddit jokes.  And some pretty funny comments from a thread I've long lost.

Oh, and a bunch of math jokes.

Joke 1

Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.

Joke 2

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Browns fan to my back."

Joke 3

Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Joke 4

Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.

Joke 5

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Errant Math Joke Collection

Here's a bunch of Math Jokes I've collected. I find them decently amusing. Also, you can read these essays if you haven't already.

Solving an Equation:


Pizza:

What's the difference between having a Ph.D in Math and having a Pizza?
You can feed a family of four with a pizza.

Two Math Pick Up Lines

I'd like to be your derivate... you know, tangent to all your curves...
I'd love to be your integral... you know, the area under your curves...

Work It Out

What does a mathematician do about constipation?
He sits down and tries to work it out with a pencil.

Finding X:



A Math Limerick:

A mathematician confided
That the Mobius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

Limerick by John Saxon:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
is nine squared and not a bit more.
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

A more complex equation limerick:

Integral z-squared dz
from one to the cube root of three
times the cosine
of three pi over nine
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
(this last line kind of makes more sense today as "Is ln the cube root of e")

Expansion:



Hot Air Balloon:

     Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.
     So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
     15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
     One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons.
     (1) he took a long time to answer,
     (2) he was absolutely correct, and
     (3) his answer was absolutely useless.

Crossing:

What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
Nothing. You can't cross two scalars.

The Party:

e^x goes to a party where a bunch of other functions are hanging out and having a good time, but e^x is just sitting in the corner looking miserable. After a while, another function comes over to e^x and says, "Hey man! What are you doing over here moping? Why don't you integrate yourself into the party and have a little fun?", and e^x says, "I can't! I've tried integrating myself over and over and it never seems to make any difference!"

Frustration:


Christmas and Halloween:

Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Absent Minded Professor:

     Norbert Wiener was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realised that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."

Favorite Subject:

     A math professor is talking to her little brother who just started his first year of graduate school in mathematics.
"What's your favorite thing about mathematics?" the brother wants to know.
"Knot theory."
"Yeah, me neither."

Limits:

I know, I know it doesn't really quite work....

Advice:

     At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says: "There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now: Whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"
     "Why?" the students ask.
     "Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen. So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."
     "And what happened?!"
     "Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us. And now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

The Math Professor's Affair

     When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:
     My dearest wife,
     We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.
     Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

     My beloved husband,
     You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.
     Your loving wife.
     P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

Tale of the Battle

     There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
     The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
     When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
     The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Did I Get the Job? (Yes, not really math...)


Wasting Money:

Dean, to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money? Your laboratories and equipment are so expensive? Why can't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are the pencils and paper."

Conferences:

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

Fibonacci:



A Quiz:

What follows is a "quiz". It's multiple choice, and if you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy...

S. What the acorn said when he grew up
N. bisects
u. A dead parrot
g. centre
F. What you should do when it rains
R. hypotenuse
m. A geometer who has been to the beach
H. coincide
h. The set of cards is missing
y. polygon
A. The boy has a speech defect
t. secant
K. How they schedule gym class
p. tangent
b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home
D. ellipse
O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove
W. geometry
r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile
j. decagon

A Train Problem


Helping Ralph with Homework:

Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: You don't know until you try!

Eigensheep:

What do you call a young eigensheep?
A lamb, duh!!!

The Ark:

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

Irritability

The webcomic I've read for the longest time is called Irritability. It's... very difficult to describe. The best I can say is that it's a very random comedy written by a geekish science guy. It has an anime-ish feel... you really should just read it. You don't have anything better to do, right? And I promise it'll take a long (but enjoyable) time to go through the archives; plus there's tons of bonus stuff on the site. I'm too lazy to post choice comics... really, just take my word for it that this comic is worth reading. Enjoy! Here's the link: http://maze.icomix.com/comicpage/index1.html. You should go to the archives and read all the comics.

Bonus: A link to my favorite single webcomic ever... it's a penny arcade one.

Job History Jokes

Have you been exposed to the "Job History" genre of jokes? They're horrifyingly lame pun jokes... so I find them hilarious and clever. I first heard them from the sitcom "Scrubs" and looked up more. Here are the ones I liked:

My first job was as a programmer, but I couldn't get arrays.

So I became a fisherman, but I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

Then I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I liked my following stint as a musician, but ultimately found I wasn't note worthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

So I got a job at the shoe factory, but I just didn't fit in. It's fine, since it never touched my sole.

Next I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

After that I gave Starbucks a try for a while, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

I worked a while as a historian, until I realized there wasn't any future in it.

I worked as a pilot, too, but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching, but I couldn't make the grade.

So I got a job in a gym, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My following career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.

I tried to work as an accountant, but the job satisfaction just didn't add up.

I was fired from the massage parlor. Apparently, I rubbed people the wrong way.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I was an optician for a while until I made a spectacle of myself.

I gave the frozen food factory a chance, but I got fresh and then they canned me.

My last job was as a butcher, but they fired me when I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

There are also longer ones, such as the following:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. In fact, the union squeezed me out. They said they'd beat me to a pulp if I tried to return. Told me I was fruity.

So then I got a job as a lumberjack. But I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I tried reapplying but they told me I was barking up the wrong tree and wood I just go away. I guess I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. That's okay, it was just a sew-sew job. Seams they were trying to rip me off. I almost lost my shirt. The boss buttonholed me and told me to keep my mouth zipped.

There are so many of these types of jokes, most likely because they're so easy to make up. You can read through many more at this link, or just use google. Let me warn you... a lot of the ones you find will be way lamer than the ones I've already posted.

Rinkworks

Rinkworks was introduced to me back in 2000 or so by my high school girlfriend who enjoyed "Book-A-Minute." Honestly, that's one of my least favorite aspects of the site, but so much of that site is good that it is well worth the time to pay a visit. It's a lot of random humor and cleverness. Here's the stuff I like the best:

I Think: If you liked SNL's Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, there'll probably be a thought or two you enjoy from this.

It's a Bad, Bad, Movie (Read anything with a rating of 5): This guy reviews B-movies that amused him. A special link to my favorite review

Things People Said: These are all good. I'll give some examples of what you'll find, specifically, my favorites. Here goes:

- Accident Quotations -

• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

- Resume Quotations -

• "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
• "I eat computers for lunch."
• "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
• "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
• "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
• "My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
• "ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

- Warning Labels -

• "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
• "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
• "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
• "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

- Tenents -

• "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
• "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
• "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"
• "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
• "The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."