Okay, a long time (2007!) ago I copied the jokes I liked best from some old dilbert blog thread to a text file. I was cleaning out my computer the other day and came across it. My tastes in jokes haven't changed too much and I still think it's a decent list, so I decided to post it. So here you go.
WARNING: Some of these jokes are pretty crude. They're jokes though, so they're not meant to be taken seriously. Still, don't read them if you just want PG related jokes... Dilbert blog readers apparently aren't PG joke people . ^^ Here are some awesome clean jokes, if you want. Some jokes from reddit. And even more reddit jokes. And some pretty funny comments from a thread I've long lost.
Oh, and a bunch of math jokes.
Q: What is the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
A: No guy would pay to have a garbanzo bean on him.
A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.
The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Browns fan to my back."
Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
A guy read that the local newspaper was holding a joke writing contest. He wrote 10 puns and sent them in, hoping that one of them would win a prize. But alas, no pun in ten did.
Two explorers are captured by a tribe. The chief tells the two, "I will give you a choice: death... or mombo bombo."
The first explorer isn't sure what mombo bombo is, but knows nothing is worse than dying. So he says, "I choose mombo bombo."
The chief turns to the warriors massed behind him, raises his spear, and shouts, "He chooses mombo-bombo!" And the warriors surge forward, swarm over the explorer, rip his clothes off, and over the next few hours, take turns giving it to him in the butt, until finally they let him crawl off into the forest.
The chief asks the second, horrified explorer, "What is your choice, death... or mombo bombo?"
The explorer wastes no time in choosing death. The chief turns to the horde, raises his spear, and shouts, "He chooses death... by mombo bombo!"
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip!
Mary had a little skirt
with splits up both the sides
everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
with one split up the front
she tended not to wear that one very often.
A snail learns to be a racing driver, At his first race he is told to put a mark on the car to identify it in the race so he draws an S on the doors. He gets off to a bad start but soon strats making his way through the field, As he takes first place the comentator exitedly shouts "Look at the S car go!"
- Students -
Engineering student: "How will this work?"
Science student: "Why will this work?"
Management student: "When will this work?"
Arts student: "Would you like fries with that?"
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
A beautiful girl walks into a bar,
"Barman, I'd like your finest double-entendre!"
So the barman gave her one.
A Jewish mother gives her son two ties for his birthday. When he comes over for dinner the next Friday night, he's wearing one of the ties. She says, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
A guy goes to the zoo, and all that was there was a dog. It was a shit zoo.
Q. What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
An American woman is sitting across from them. The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first, but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella...
A man is out walking one day when he sees a farmer standing in a paddock. He walks up to him and says "Are you alright, mate?"
The farmer says, "Oh yes, I'm just trying to get one of those Nobel prizes."
"You are?" asks the by now quite confused man.
"Well, apparently they give them to people who are out standing in their field".
Under capitalism, man exploits his fellow man, but under communism, it's the other way around.
Q: What is the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?
A: Jeans only have one fly on them!
Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell.
A man invited his aged mother over to dinner at his house one night. During the course of dinner, the mother couldn't help but notice how shapely her son's live in housekeeper was, and became suspicious about their relationship. When she asked her son about it, he assured her that their relationship was purely professional.
Some days after the man's mother had visited for dinner, the housekeeper came to him and said that she could not find the lovely silver gravy ladle, and that it had been missing since the night of his mother's visit. Not wanting to confront his mother directly, the man wrote her this letter: "I'm not saying that you did take the silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you visited for dinner."
Several days later a letter came back from his mother: "I'm not saying that you are sleeping with your housekeeper and I'm not saying that you aren't sleeping with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Q. Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
A. Neither have they.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American survive a shipwreck and wash up on shore of a tropical island. A short while later some natives approach them. The chief says "We are tired of being trapped on this island. We are going to kill you and use your skin to make a boat to get off the island. To prove we aren't savages, we will grant you each one request before you die. The French man requests a sharp knife. He takes the knife, shouts "Vive la France," slits his own throat, and drops dead. The Englishman also requests a sharp knife. He takes the knife, shouts "God save the Queen," slits his own throat, and drops dead. The American requests a fork. He takes the fork from the puzzled natives, starts poking himself all over his body with it, and shouts "To Hell with your damn boat!"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
A: The sperm has a one-in-a-billion chance to be human.
Q: How can you tell a porcupine from a BMW?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A Southern gal greets a new neighbor. Hey, where y'all from?
The neighbor replies frostily, We are from where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.
The Southern gal says, Oh, okay. Where y'all from, bitch?
Q: Two fish are in a tank.
A: One fish says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
Q. What's better than winning gold at the para-olympics?
Q: Why are French women so stupid?
A: Because they're women.
Q: What's yellow and invisible?
A: No bananas.
- Chuck Norris Jokes -
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Q: How do you know when you've been married too long?
A: Your wife wears crotchless panties... and they weren't that way when she bought them.
Micky mouse and Minnie Mouse finally ended up in divorce court. However, the judge is confused.
"Mr Mouse", he said, "I'm not sure insanity is a valid reason for the divorce."
Mickey mouse answers "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
John moves to a remote part of Alaska to get away from it all. After about 6 months of no human interaction, he is glad to see a car coming up his long driveway. A large burly man gets out and comes to the door.
"Greetings" says that man, "I am your neighbor from down the road. Every year at this time, I have a party, and I wanted to invite you."
"Great!" says John. "I have not seen another person in months, a party would be awesome!"
The man nods, and as he starts to leave, he says "I gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some drinkin' at this party." John says "Great, I love to drink!"
The mans nods and turns to leave again, but stops, and says "I gotta warn you, there's gonna be some fightin' at this party". John says "I was a gold gloves middleweight in college, and while I usually get along with everyone, I can hold my own in a scuffle."
The man then says "I also need to warn you, there's gonna be wild insane sex at this party." John does not hesitate breaking in to a grin "I have been up here for 6 months all alone, so I am all for some wild sex!"
John then asks "Oh, by the way, what can I bring?"
The man thinks for a second, and responds "I doesn't really matter, it's just gonna be the two of us."
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It was pissed off.
Q: what do you have if you've got two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
A minister, a politician, and an engineer are caught up in a civil war and are taken prisoner. The warlord condemns them to death and has a guillotine set up. First to have his head put under the blade is the minister. The executioner pulls the lever, but the blade does not fall. The warlord takes this as evidence of divine intervention and orders the minister freed. Next is the politician. Again the blade fails to fall, and the warlord orders him freed. As the engineer approaches the guillotine, he looks up and says, "I think I see what the problem."
Q: What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A: A big red rock eater!
Q: What's big, red, and if it falls from a tree, it'll kill you?
A: A FIRE TRUCK.
Q: What are 3 two-letter words that mean 'small?'
A: Is it in?
I love telling men this joke and if they know the punchline, I say, "Oh! You've heard that before!" Then they turn all red with embarrassment.
Q: You have a black guy and a latino - who drives?
A: The cop.
A Sales Guy, a Marketing Guy, and an Engineer die and find themselves sitting side by side in a waiting room.
A man approaches and asks the Sales Guy to follow him to the first of three doors. He opens the door and inside the room is a rabid dog, foaming at the mouth. He tells the Sales Guy, "You have sinned badly in your life. You must spend eternity with this rabid dog." "NOOOOOO!" the Sales Guy screams, but the man pushes him into the room and shuts the door, but not before the other two hear screams of agony and gnashing teeth.
The man approaches the other two and asks the Marketing Guy to follow him to the second of three doors. Inside this room is a starving tiger, so hungry it's eating it's own paw. The man tells the Marketing Guy, "You have sinned badly in your life. You must spend eternity with this starving lion." "NOOOOOO!" the Marketing Guy screams, but the man pushes him into the room and shuts the door, but not before the engineer again hears screams of agony and gnashing teeth.
The man approaches the Engineer and leads him to the third door. This time, when the door opens, there's only an empty room. The man tells the Engineer to go inside and wait. The Engineer, mystified, does what he is told. After the man shuts the door, the back wall slides back revealing Angelina Jolie, naked, tied to a bed!
Then he notices a man standing next to Angelina and hears him tell her, "Angelina, you have sinned badly in your life..."
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises. Etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The fateful hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him!
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? (Pause awhile and do not read on until you have made your own choice).
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things get ugly.
Q. What is the difference between a Marine and a balloon?
A. a balloon doesn't scream when you blow it up.
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Boy Scout are on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. The boat begins to sink, and there are only two life-preservers.
The Priest asks, "What do we do?"
The Rabbi says, "Well, screw the little boy".
The Priest asks, "Do we have time?"
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Boy Scout are on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. The boat begins to sink, and there are only two life-preservers.
The Rabbi asks, "What do we do?"
The Priest says, "Well, screw the little boy".
The Rabbi asks, "Outta what? His milk money? Oy!"
Cow 1: I got artifici1ally inseminated today
Cow 2: Get outta here! You're kiddin me!
Cow 1: Seriously. Straight up!!! No Bull!
A pirate walks into a bar with a giant steering wheel sticking out of his fly.
The bartender says, "Hey Mr. Pirate, do you know that there's a giant steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says, "Arrrrrr, yes matey, and it's drivin' me nuts."
Q: What did Hellen Keller's parents do to punish her?
A: Rearrange the furniture.
Q: How do you keep Hellen Keller busy for hours?
A: Give her a basketball to read.
Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman.
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe?
A: It's f_____g close to water
Q: What's the leading cause of pedophilia?
A: Sexy kids.
Q: What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-five year olds?
A: There's twenty of them!
A man goes fishing down at the dock. When he gets there there is a woman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The man ignores her and starts fishing.
A few minutes later the woman starts crying. The man tries to ignore her, but the distraction is too much, so he asks her why she's crying.
She responds that no one loves her because she's a freak, and that no one has ever hugged her. The man feels sorry for her and goes over and gives her a hug.
A few minutes later the woman starts crying again. The man is a little more agitated and tries harder to ignore her but his softer side prevails and he asks again why she's crying.
She responds that no one has ever wanted to kiss her because she's so grotesque. The man feels sorry for her, but really just wants to fish in peace. Finally he gives in and gives her a quick kiss.
After a few minutes the woman starts crying again. The man, clearly agitated with the interruption, asks her, "What's the matter now?"
She replies that she is a virgin and no one has ever wanted to have sex with her.
The man looks long and hard at the woman. Finally he walks over, picks her up out of the chair, looks deep into her eyes, and tosses her into the water saying, "Well, you're fucked now!"
Favorite of all time because it teaches a lesson:
Man (to woman in a bar): "I'll give you a million bucks if you give me a blow job."
Man: "OK. How about for $10?",
Woman: "Sir, what do you think I am?".
Man: "We've already established that. Now we're dickering on price."
Two lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other calls 911 on his cell phone.
911: What is your emergency please?
Lawyer: (Panicky) My friend and I are out in the woods and he just fell to the ground. I think he's dead. What do I do? What do I do?
911: Sir, please calm down, I can help you. The first thing you need to do is to be sure that he is dead.
Lawyer: Right. (BANG!)
Lawyer: Okay, now what?
Q: Why was the blonde's belly button bruised?
A: Because her boyfriend is a blonde too.
Q: What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
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